Monday, April 30, 2018

4.30.18 - Cuban chicken and rice with fried bananas

Another gluten free dinner success, this one heavily improvised from this original recipe.

1 teaspoon cumin
3 cloves equivalent of garlic flakes
3/4 cup apple juice
Tablespoon of lemon juice
1 teaspoon GF teriyaki sauce
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cubed

Mix the above and let the chicken marinate for at least 20 minutes. Cook over low heat.

2.5 cups brown rice

Prepare according to package directions.

2 tablespoons olive oil
15 ounces black beans
2-3 clementines, divided into slices
1/2 teaspoon red pepper flake
Salt & pepper

Mix the above

3 bananas, sliced
2 more tablespoons olive oil

Fry the above.

Mix everything together.

This picture is from the original recipe. Mine didn't look exactly like this, but close enough and still delicious.

4.30.18 - April joy statuses





4.30.18 - Like a kid at Christmas

Every day after I pump I mark a storage bag with the date, and every time it reminds me we are one day closer to Jack's graduation, and every time that thought crosses my mind I feel a little thrill. The stepwise process reminds me very much of when I was a kid and we would have those paper chains where you take one link off each day until Christmas. It's the same kind of delight and anticipation. Can't wait!


Saturday, April 28, 2018

4.28.18 - April showers!



4.28.18 - Tuna casserole

I've been making a concerted effort to try to cook more. I never was much of a cook and once we had to go gluten free I became even less so. Plus I've been calorie counting for cumulatively probably over half of Clara's life, and calorie counting also really slows down cooking.

So for my most recent bet with Julie, I basically created a loophole where if I cook a gluten free dinner, I can eat that dinner without calorie counting it. That's a pretty good motivator for me. So far it seems like I am not losing any weight on this bet, but I am experimenting with more gluten free cooking, which is something I think my family needs and will need long-term.

Anyway, in the last couple weeks I've tried a teriyaki chicken stir fry, a "creamy eggs" toast, a potato hash, and two versions of tuna casserole. The stir fry was delicious but involved and a bit expensive. The creamy eggs were actually not at all good. The potato hash was cheap and tasty enough, but so far the winner is definitely the (second version of the) tuna casserole. Cheap, easy, delicious. So for posterity, here is how I made it:

  • 12 oz GF penne
  • 3 soft-boiled eggs
  • Maybe 0.5 oz shredded sharp cheddar
  • 15.25 oz canned corn, drained
  • 12 oz frozen peas, microwaved
  • 2 5 oz cans of tuna, drained
  • Maybe 2 Tbsp of butter
I basically boiled the pasta and then mixed everything else into it. I did add some parmesan to my serving. Anyway it's delicious, and Jane loves it too. Haven't tried it on Clara yet.


Wednesday, April 25, 2018

4.25.18 - Cheesecake Factory weekday lunch date

Yesterday Jack and I talked about how we haven't gone to the Cheesecake Factory in a long time. I think we subconciously go more often in warm weather because they have great air conditioning. Anyway we decided to go for a lunch date today since he has the flexible schedule for it and I don't have anything time-sensitive happening at work today.

The date was like many previous Cheesecake Factory dates, but that's great because they're generally pretty nice. We talked a bit about current news and more about why people might find it easier to talk while sitting side-by-side instead of facing one another (less brain power used to process facial expressions and body language and to force yourself to look at one person instead of around the room while you think/talk). We also talked about how our tradition at the Cheesecake Factory feels like a cheat, because we just walk in past the line of people waiting to be seated for lunch and we walk right up to the bar and immediately sit. We get service faster, food, and our bill faster because our server is the bartender and she is always within like 5 feet of us, and typically on a weekday afternoon she isn't super busy with alcoholic drinks anyway.

This is the first date to the Cheesecake Factory in a long time where I wasn't calorie counting, so instead of getting the tiny albeit delicious flatbread I got lunch-sized carbonara, and, equally importantly, I got to eat the bread and butter while we waited for our food. That was pretty nice.

Anyway, I love when Jack and I get the chance to take a break from everything and eat delicious food and talk to each other free of distractions. Good date.

Monday, April 23, 2018

4.23.18 - the vulnerability of parenthood

Being a parent has introduced a level of vulnerability to my life unlike anything I'd experienced before. It really drives home how little control I have over the actions of other people or over random chance occurrences. In the first few weeks following both Clara's and Jane's births I had vivid dreams in which I committed acts of extreme violence in defense of my babies. In waking hours I have frequent thoughts--usually in the back of my mind but sometimes more focused--about the different ways in which my daughters require protection and my limitations in being able to provide that protection.
But this isn't just about the vulnerabilty of powerlessness; it's also the vulnerability of really intense love or passion. Of course there are people who I've loved all my life--well before I had children--and who I would be devastated to lose. But my daughters are a difference in kind. It's hard to articulate. I read a quote once that said something like "having children is like watching your heart walk around outside your body." That kind of gets at the sensation. It wasn't until I had children that I experienced what I can best describe as heartbreak, but out of intense happiness instead of sorrow. It's like my kids bust my heart wide open and there's no protection from it, and it feels wonderful in a way but also very exposed. Vulnerable.
Knowing what I know now, of course I could never go back. But it's a strange sensation, and difficult to get used to. I've been a mom for three years so far (a short time, I know) and I feel no more used to this phenomenon now than I did when Clara was first born.

4.23.18 - Meeting Clara photobook

Recently Clara found the book "Where the Wild Things Are" on one of our shelves and brought it to me to read to her. I love how she is choosing books she doesn't already know and wants to explore. She's also very interested in the "Meeting Clara" photobook on my dresser. She can reach it herself, takes it down and goes through every page pointing out Jack ("Dada") and me ("Mama") as well as her blanket and butterfly mobile and other familiar sights. Today she also noticed the other photobooks so I showed her the one from our wedding and she clearly enjoyed looking through it at so many people she recognizes. And I enjoyed watching my baby girl look at pictures from her parents' wedding. I remember looking at my parents' wedding photobook as a child, and it's interesting to be on the other side of that now, watching my kid look at pictures from such an important event that influences her life but happened before she was born. Anyway it was sweet.

Jane has started standing up, letting go of whatever she's holding onto, and balancing for multiple seconds at a time. She usually looks to me or Jack grinning, so proud of herself. I love it.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

4.15.18 - Anniversary weekend continued

So after our down time yesterday evening, we went to an Irish pub called Stout's in downtown Santa Rosa. We got there around 9 p.m. for dinner, which is fine with me because we'd been eating all day and I was only just starting to have room for more food. We originally sat at a high table kind of away from everyone, but another group cleared out and so we moved to a booth in a corner where we could people watch, which was much better. I got bangers and mash and some kind of pineapple cocktail, and Jack got shepherd's pie and an IPA (after which he reminisced about how he hated IPA when he first moved to California and now he loves it).



We took our time and talked about basketball versus baseball versus football and how difficult it is to cheat and how often play gets stopped to figure out rule breaking. As it got later more younger people came in and we watched people flirting (successfully or not) and talked about how glad we were to not have to worry about that anymore. Just as we were getting the check management turned the music WAY up and switched it from kind of easy-going cover songs to more dancing/club type music. I expect 10 years ago I would've wanted to go dance, but last night both Jack and I thought it was too loud and were ready to get out of there, haha.

Top: I love the way they light up the bottles behind the bar.

So we drove back to the Air B&B (eating raspberry M&Ms on the way) and then we basically cuddled in bed and watched Jessica Jones until we passed out. I did get back up to pump and watch more Better Caul Saul (which I am really enjoying), but then I slept form about 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. totally uninterrupted! It was glorious. I don't think I've had a fully uninterrupted night's sleep since Jane was born. Now it's about 8:15 a.m. and I feel completely rested.

Picture of our room from its Air Bnb page.

[later that evening...]

Now it's 5:45 p.m. and I'm home with my two girls who I am so happy to see again. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Jack and I packed up probably around 9 a.m. and headed to Santa Rosa to Zee's Diner. It was one of the less expensive breakfast places with very high ratings on Yelp, and sure enough it was charming. He picked something savory (bacon cheese avocado omelette) and I picked sweet (French toast) so we could share each. At one point while eating his wheat toast he said "Man, bread with gluten in it is the best." Haha. We talked about our favorite parts of the trip before heading to the car to drive home.

So. Full.

After a while on the drive we were both getting sleepy, so we tried to think of engaging topics of conversation. We ended up talking quite a bit about finances and how ours will change once he finishes his degree. It was a good and probably pretty important conversation. I think things are going to change a lot for us in the next year but until we know exactly in what ways it's hard to plan for it. We also recapped all of our anniversaries to date and realized we've already had a pretty good run.


We got home with a couple hours before it was time to pick up the girls, so Jack worked on homework and I chatted with Mom while I got the apartment much more cleaned up. Even that is part of the break, really, because it's pretty hard to clean when the girls are actually home.

I was so glad to see them when Jack brought them back from Beth's. We were apart only a day and a half but I guess that's long enough to miss them, which I actually enjoy. Jane was very cheerful, rosy cheeked and cuddly. Clara hadn't had a nap and was much more irritable. But she's fallen asleep and woken back up since and now she is singing and reciting nursery rhymes to herself in the empty bathtub while Jane hangs out outside it watching her. Love those kiddos.

Overall it was a wonderful weekend and I'm so endeared to Jack for putting it together for us.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

4.14.18 - Anniversary weekend

Jack planned our entire weekend without telling me about any of it. That alone made me look forward to it so much because I didn't have to figure anything out. He even planned for Beth to take the girls overnight (Jane's first night away from me).

I woke up at 7 a.m. so I'd have plenty of time to shower, pump, pack my own overnight bag, and pack an overnight bag for the girls. Without children all of this would probably take me 45 minutes or so, but once Jane woke up it was much slower than that. She is very much a momma's girl and wants me to be at least within sight if not within touch very often, especially when she first wakes up. Sometimes it's frustrating but I have to say a lot of times it's adorable, as I pick her up off the floor or take her from Jack's arms and she is so cuddly, putting her head on my shoulder or putting her little hands to her eyes and then burrowing into my chest. Little cuddle.

Anyway we weren't in any huge hurry either way. Jack told Beth we'd have the girls there between 9 a.m. and 9:30 a.m. so we had plenty of time. We got everything ready to go and headed out by 8:45 a.m. Jane fell asleep in the car but Clara stayed awake and pointed out trees, signs, trucks, etc. There was even a fire engine in the slow lane on the highway and Jack drove probably a bit too slow to let it pass us so Clara could see it. She was pretty happy about it.

Beth's apartment was so pleasant when we got there. It was totally clean, which in itself is so impressive given how often she watches a bunch of small children. It's certainly much cleaner than our apartment. And she was cooking bacon and the song "Tupelo Honey" was on in the background. Just such a relaxing atmosphere. I also got to meet her puppy, Max, who is a beautiful mutt (probably part husky). The girls seemed pretty happy to be there and there was no fussing as Jack and I left.

Then we were off! We actually went back by our own apartment which was on the way) to get his sunglasses and my wedding ring. I don't wear the ring often because after 5-7 days it makes my finger break out, unfortunately. But our anniversary weekend seemed like a good occasion to wear it, and I do enjoy wearing it. On the way back out the door Jack asked me if I wanted to know where we were going. "Only if you want to tell me." "Well do you want to know?" (laughing) "Only if you want to tell me!" Then he told me we were going to the Napa Valley area. Bit of a drive, but worth it.

On the drive there we talked about school and the future and my siblings and who knows what else. At one point GPS directed us to a road connecting 37 to 101 (I suppose to avoid traffic) and it was so idyllic. It was winding and green and sunny and we passed adorable farm houses with stone chimneys and lots of livestock including (1) a cow that Jack thought looked like a "Napoleon cow" because he seemed to be standing above all the other cows and surveying them and (2) a pasture filled with not just sheep but lots of little lambs. I've never seen so many lambs in my life. It was great. We also passed, of course, a lot of vineyards, which are charming to look at and remind me of wine and wealth and vaguely the Bible, I guess.


I purposefully didn't eat anything all morning because I knew we would be eating all day and I wanted to have the appetite for it. We got to Santa Rosa and went to the Irish Pub where he had wanted to have lunch, but there was some kind of mix up and it actually didn't open until 3 p.m. This threw us off for a minute because we had plans to go to two different wineries in Healdsburg that closed at 4:30 p.m. and 5:30 p.m. so it would be hard to fit both of them and the Irish Pub in for a late lunch. But then we realized the sushi restaurant Jack had planned on for dinner was not half a block from where we had already parked, so we just switched our lunch and dinner plans and grabbed some sushi. It was a quiet place with nice presentation (the wasabi was carved like a little leaf) and we enjoyed it.


From there we went to our Air B&B to check in. We were actually both kind of tired so we grabbed a quick but wholly uninterrupted nap before heading out to sip wine. Maybe it's a sign of me getting older but that quiet nap and getting to cuddle was already one of my favorite parts of the day.

Meanwhile Jack was actually sneezing a lot when we were out and about, so before we went to the wineries we stopped at a CVS to get some allergy meds and I decided to grab some chocolate. They had on sale raspberry crunch M&Ms, which I've never heard of and was curious to try. They were so satisfying to eat. The raspberry chocolate flavor was tasty, sure, but the real deal was the crunch. Jack and I both found them oddly wonderful to chomp down on and we spend several minutes trying to think of comparable foods with such a satisfying texture. It was like the culinary equivalent of popping bubble wrap.

Anyway, we ate a bunch of those and then went to the first winery: Family Wineries Dry Creek tasting room. When we walked in there were only two other customers: a pair of middle aged women also doing the tasting. The man behind the counter looked to be roughly 70s, and he was very friendly. Normally I don't like it when people want to chat a lot and I just want to spend time talking to Jack and not making polite conversation with strangers. However this guy was very sweet: down-to-earth, self-depracating, seemed very happy to be there. He didn't give us a ton of details on every wine, just the basics and then let us enjoy them. He did ask if it was a special occasion and we told him it was our anniversary, so he gave us two complimentary little tokens--I don't know what you call them but you can clip them onto your wine glasses to tell whose is whose. He told some clean goofy jokes and spoke with an accent I can't quite place, but something like East coast. He was very into the 70s rock he had playing softly in the background and he sang along to it from time to time. He also took our picture for us. It was just very pleasant.



The wine was good too, of course, but then I've rarely found a wine I don't like. Just sniffing the first choice stirred a vague sense of happy memories--not even anything specific but just a lot of delight from wine throughout my life. We each tried five wines, both ending with a very sweet Moscato. We sat at a sunny table in the corner overlooking vineyards and took our time finishing it.



Then we headed back to the center of Healdburg to the C Donatiello Winery. It was on a corner of Healdsburg square, and we sat at a corner table with windows on two sides where we could watch all the happy people (and many happy dogs) walk by in the absolutely perfect weather. This wine tasting came with food pairings, including Brie cheese, some other cheese with a Moscato jelly, proscuito, salami, and some fancy mustards including a "violet" mustard that involved raisins somehow and that Jack absolutely loved.


The tasting were supposed to include 4 wines for each of us, but since we shared glasses of everything it seemed like much more. I actually really liked both of their Chardonnays even though usually I'm not as into Chardonnay. In fact there was so much food and drink that near the end I had to stop eating it because my stomach was starting to bother me - I couldn't even finish the fancy piece of chocolate that came with the last petite sirah. Oh well. It was still delicious.


The sommelier was a bit more hands on, especially in the beginning when were the only customers in the place. She sat with us and talked a lot about the details of the wines and other chit chat, and it was okay but I kind of wanted to just spend more time visiting with Jack. However once other customers came around she got busier, so we were able to close out the session just the two of us, and that was nice.

Then we walked around the square and sat on a park bench in the middle of it and people watched and talked about dating and our relationship and how nice it is to not have to worry about finding a mate anymore. The weather was just perfect the whole time and walking around helped settle my stomach a bit.


Jack wanted to get some ice cream but the only open ice cream shop nearby had kind of a limited selection, so we drove back to the town where our Air B&B is (Windsor) and got some Baskin Robbins and sat on another park bench enjoying that. Then we came back to the Air B&B so I could pump and Jack could take a nap before we go out to dinner. And that's where I am now, writing out all the details before I forget.


Friday, April 13, 2018

4.13.18 - Farty children

I'm sitting at the kitchen table. Jack is sitting across the room on the couch. Between us, Jane and Clara play in the living room. Jack and I are talking about how we first got together.
Me: You know, I never asked you to date only me.
Jack: I know.
Me: And I never asked you to move to California.
Jack: I know.
Me: You've just been so pushy all this time.
Jack: That's right.
Me: And now look what's between us!
Jack: Farty children.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

4.11.18 - "Jane kiss!"

For several weeks now, from time to time Clara asks for "Jane kiss!" Then Clara runs either to the front door or the kitchen pantry, and I chase her carrying Jane horizontally at about my waist level and whooping until I reach Clara. Then I say "Jaaaane kisssss!" and gently push Jane's cheek against Clara's and they both laugh and laugh. Then Clara runs back across the apartment and we repeat the process. They both think it's hilarious.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

4.10.18 - So much to look forward to!

This weekend Jack and I are celebrating our 9th anniversary (4 years married). He has planned the whole thing. I don't even know what we're going to do, but I know all I have to do is help him get the kids ready and drop them off at Beth's and also dress nice. In fact last weekend I bought a new top just for the occasion. It's super cute--black and lacy with off-the-shoulder sleeves. It's the first time I've bought new non-maternity clothes in probably years, and I'm excited about wearing it. I'm also excited about spending time with Jack and seeing what he decided to plan for us. I'm also excited to not be calorie counting, haha.

Whatever we end up doing, I'm basically already happy about it because I didn't have to figure out any of the logistics or how we're paying for it. Jack charged it all to his own credit card (that I don't see on our joint statements) and worked extra shifts at Nordstrom Rack to pay it off. He also arranged for Beth to take the girls for Saturday into Sunday morning. It's very sweet.

After our mystery anniversary weekend, it's only 5 weeks until Jack's graduation! Don, Merlene, Dad, Jill, Rocket, and Neil will all be in town for it. Jack's pinning ceremony is on a Thursday and his general commencement (cap and gown pics!) is on a Saturday, and we are going for a nice steakhouse dinner (courtesy of Dad) on the Friday. Beth will take the girls again so we can just enjoy the dinner. God bless Beth.

Anyway, of all the things I'm looking forward to, Jack's graduation is probably at the top of the list. It's been quite a saga. I can hardly believe it's almost complete. I am so proud of him for how long and hard he's worked toward this degree, and I'm so looking forward to how our life will change as we enter the first time we've ever been together when neither one of us was in school. I'm sure the years will rush by and I'll barely remember what it was like when he was still in school, but for now that's all we've really known and it's thrilling to think it's almost done. Even before he gets a nursing job, I anticipate a lot of pressure relief as his schedule frees up (and whatever time is not free is because he's bringing in paychecks from Nordstrom). I am very very excited.

Then less than two weeks after Jack's graduation, we are going to Missouri to surprise Mom for her 60th birthday! Julie and Ellen are going to conspire to get Mom to celebrate her birthday the Saturday (June 2) before the actual day (June 6). I'm not sure exactly how that will work, but I keep picturing Mom having a get together at Sugar Creek and Jack, Clara, Jane, and I just walk up the driveway and show up. It's going to be awesome! I laugh every time I think about it.

We are staying in Missouri for nearly three weeks. It will be the first time I go back to Missouri in the summer since 2015, so that's also nice.

About 4 weeks after we return, Henry and I are going to North Carolina for Kale's wedding. Then we leave directly from there to Colorado for what has become the annual Snyder Field Day. I'm looking forward to it this year especially because the Givens are going to joins us, and the Maacks will come in too late for Field Day but in time to visit that Monday. Should be great.

After that trip we get home and then it's another four weeks or so befoer Jack and I go on our honeymoon. When we got married Dad offered to send us on a honeymoon as our wedding gift, but we agreed to wait a few years until after we had kids and make it a more meaningful break/vacation. I'm so glad we did it that way. Don & Merlene are going to fly out to watch the girls, and Jack and I are going to Chicago for a full week. I've already planned out basically everywhere we're going to sight see and eat. I'm so excited. And since we're staying in-country we had enough in our honeymoon budget to buy the tickets for Don & Merlene, so the trip doubles as a chance for them to visit the girls without it costing too much. Of all the things on the list this is my second favorite (after Jack's graduation).

The hope is that Jack will be able to study in between all these trips and sit for the NCLEX right before we go on the honeymoon. If he passes the honeymoon will double as our celebration that he is officially a licensed nurse. If he doesn't, I suppose it will be the most thorough comfort trip ever. Actually I don't know if he will even know the results before we go on the trip, but it would be so cool if it doubled as that celebration. And then when we return he can begin a job hunt in earnest--the next big adventure.

So yeah, it's shaping up to be an incredibly epic year.

Sunday, April 8, 2018

4.8.18 - Erin's Paint "Nite" birthday celebration

Today was a nice day.

Jack got up early and went to Starbucks to get some work done for a couple hours before I would leave for the afternoon. When he returned, I took the hour or so drive to Vacaville to join Erin for one of those paint and drinks classes for her birthday. It's pretty appropriate that so much of our friendship blossomed from crafting sessions and now we are celebrating her birthday with more creativity.

Most of the drive there I talked to Neil, which makes the drive go quickly and serves as good visiting time. When I got there, I found a parking spot less than half a block from the location. It had a sign for 2 hour parking only, which would have been a problem, but in smaller print the sign said "Except Sundays." Yesss.

The venue for our painting class.

Erin was already there when I walked in and she had reserved seats for her group. Sarah arrived not long after. I'm really glad she was able to make it. Vacaville is roughly halfway between us and so a shorter trip than if she had hauled all the way to my place.


Erin was kind enough to buy the tickets for the paint event, which is so sweet, and so the only cost to me was gas to get there and money for food or drinks. However I am trying to spend a bit less because this time of year there are so many birthdays and Mother's and Father's day coming up and it takes a toll on our budget. So I ordered a slice of pizza (one of the less expensive options). To my delight, the "slice" they brought me was huge! Easily as big as a personal pan pizza, just slice shaped. So that was a pleasant surprise. Later on Sarah treated me to a glass of sangria, which by the way was delicious.




It was pleasant sitting in the sunshine (indoors but near a wall of windows) between Erin and Sarah and painting and visiting. And I like the way my painting turned out--I added some stormy clouds for contrast. I think this is the third one of these types of classes I've been to, and at the end I always enjoy seeing the different twists everyone puts on their own paintings.

Erin's painting on the left, mine on the right

On the drive home I talked to Julie most of the way, which was again pleasant and made the drive go fast. It helped that there was very little traffic. When I got back, Clara was very interested in my painting and wanted to just lay on our bed and look at it, so that's pretty high praise. I showed her where the sun, clouds, sky, ocean, and beach were, and she kept pointing to each and naming them. Very sweet.



4.8.18 - Google's "Find My Device" function


Saturday, April 7, 2018

4.7.18 - Weather changing...







4.7.18 - The Giver

Just saw the film The Giver for the first time. It wasn't as good as the book (obviously), and the acting was mediocre, but I still really enjoyed it because I think the plot is such a good concept. I remember being moved by the book when I first read it in 8th grade, and watching the movie this weekend I was still moved.


4.7.18 - Jack and I are still married

It's 7:15am on a Saturday. My alarm just went off because I'm going to go get some work done this morning before everyone really gets up and going. But before I do anything else I want to write about the dream I had while I still remember it.

In this dream, Jack and I were together but we weren't married and we didn't have kids. Just like in reality, in the dream he was about to finish his nursing degree. We were staying at some friend's house, not sure whose, and when he graduated we were going to go back to Missouri for the summer just like I used to do the first few years I lived in California. The night before our trip, we had a frank conversation (that, at the time, seemed mutual) about how our relationship wasn't really working anymore and once we got back to Missouri we should probably just call it quits. Before I fell asleep I thought fleetingly about whether I should get in touch with Pat and see if he wanted to start hnaging out again, just for a while (in this dream he was also single, and basically the exact same person he was in real life in 2008).

In the dream, I woke up early, before Jack, and had to slowly remember that we had agreed to break up. Then I thought about all the plans Jack and I had been making about moving in together (which we hadn't done yet), and all the details we'd discussed about what sort of place we'd like to live in and how excited we were to start the next phase of our lives. We'd even talked about what kind of kids we hoped to have someday. I struggled to remember if we had really just agreed last night to break up or if I had dreamed it (Inception!!)

I woke Jack up and asked, "Did we agree last night to break up for good?" Him: "Yeah, we did. I think once we break up that should just be it, we shouldn't let it linger." I started to get tearful and said "Look, if that's what you want that's what we should do. I'm not going to try to change your mind. But I do think it's super sad when we had all these plans to move in together." He seemed to only just remember that (same as I had a few minutes earlier) and he looked sad and slightly guilty and said something like "Yeah, that is hard. It's really too bad." I felt so disappointed and even a little heartbroken.

So you wouldn't think this post would be in my Joy Inventory blog, but--then I woke up in real life. And as reality came back to me, first I realized we weren't about to break up, and that was a welcome relief. Then I realized in fact we are already married and we have children together. I mean our relationship is about as sealed as they get. Instead of thinking in terms of how many days we have left before it's over, I remembered it's not going to be over and we have decades ahead of us. And I felt so happy and relieved to know Jack and I are together.

Pic from a quick Mod pizza date a couple weeks ago.

And as I write this here, I feel a second wave of, I don't know, contentment? Because there was a long time when I was terrified of getting married. There was a time when I would have dreams about Jack proposing and wake up relieved to realize we were not engaged and everything was still flexible. But my dream last night and my waking relief just now were the exact opposite, and it really shows how much I have evolved and improved on the marriage front, more than I ever thought I would.

Anyway, I love my family intensely and I'm grateful to have them.

Friday, April 6, 2018

4.6.18 - Kid snippets

Tuesday was the first time this year that I dressed Clara in shorts. Our potential new backup babysitter, Nicole, took Clara for a walk around the apartment complex, and Clara tripped and scraped her knees. It wasn't too bad but it's never happened to her before and she was pretty hard to console. She couldn't stop pointing to her knees and saying "This!" while crying, so I switched her to pants so she couldn't see it. Then I gave her a cookie and let her watch videos; she sat in Nicole's lap while Nicole stroked her hair, and she did calm down. Kind of reminds me of The Giver the first time the main character feels any form of pain (a sunburn) and it's a totally new sensation. I mean it's not as if Clara has never gotten hurt before but this was the first knee scrape, so in her 3-year-old world that's a big deal. Kind of bittersweet.

Tuesday night was also the first time Clara started to understand the robot game. Basically she sits in my lap and touches my thumb, and I make robot noises as my arms close in around her and squeeze her a few times and then open back up. I've gotten her this far before--where she makes the connection between touching my thumb and getting squeezed--but last night I also built it up to three different options: thumb = squeeze, pointer finger = tickle, middle finger = bop Jane's nose. They were both delighted. Clara sat in my lap and Jane stood on the floor holding onto my knees and just cooing and grunting and laughing and bounching up and down the whole time. We kept at it for about 15-20 minutes and they were both so excited the whole time.

A bunch of failed selfies.

On Thursday Clara and Jane were making each other laugh on the drive home from speech therapy. I don't even know what they were doing, but I could see in the rearview mirror Clara leaning toward Jane looking delighted. This was in sharp contrast to when I drive Clara home from therapy by herself and she is bored and I have to keep her entertained. I'm so glad these two have each other. I've noticed I feel a bit less anxious lately about Clara's speech issues, and I think that's because I feel a bit less worried about her growing up lonely because I keep seeing how she and Jane play together.


Finally, today we had to pause videos and all run into the nursery (me carrying Jane) so that Clara had the best vantage point from which to watch the big garbage truck do its job. She stood on the windowstill, blinds pushed aside, saying "Hi truck!" and Jane stood on the floor holding onto the edge of the toy box. Such an event. It's also raining today and twice Clara has stopped what she's doing in the living room to go into the nursery and look out the window at the rain. The second time she asked me to come with her (in her way--just said "Mama" and used body language to suggest I come with her). She stood on the windowstill and said "Oh, wow. So pretty." as she watched the rain.

Clara trying to pull Jane on top of her.