4.7.18 - Jack and I are still married

It's 7:15am on a Saturday. My alarm just went off because I'm going to go get some work done this morning before everyone really gets up and going. But before I do anything else I want to write about the dream I had while I still remember it.

In this dream, Jack and I were together but we weren't married and we didn't have kids. Just like in reality, in the dream he was about to finish his nursing degree. We were staying at some friend's house, not sure whose, and when he graduated we were going to go back to Missouri for the summer just like I used to do the first few years I lived in California. The night before our trip, we had a frank conversation (that, at the time, seemed mutual) about how our relationship wasn't really working anymore and once we got back to Missouri we should probably just call it quits. Before I fell asleep I thought fleetingly about whether I should get in touch with Pat and see if he wanted to start hnaging out again, just for a while (in this dream he was also single, and basically the exact same person he was in real life in 2008).

In the dream, I woke up early, before Jack, and had to slowly remember that we had agreed to break up. Then I thought about all the plans Jack and I had been making about moving in together (which we hadn't done yet), and all the details we'd discussed about what sort of place we'd like to live in and how excited we were to start the next phase of our lives. We'd even talked about what kind of kids we hoped to have someday. I struggled to remember if we had really just agreed last night to break up or if I had dreamed it (Inception!!)

I woke Jack up and asked, "Did we agree last night to break up for good?" Him: "Yeah, we did. I think once we break up that should just be it, we shouldn't let it linger." I started to get tearful and said "Look, if that's what you want that's what we should do. I'm not going to try to change your mind. But I do think it's super sad when we had all these plans to move in together." He seemed to only just remember that (same as I had a few minutes earlier) and he looked sad and slightly guilty and said something like "Yeah, that is hard. It's really too bad." I felt so disappointed and even a little heartbroken.

So you wouldn't think this post would be in my Joy Inventory blog, but--then I woke up in real life. And as reality came back to me, first I realized we weren't about to break up, and that was a welcome relief. Then I realized in fact we are already married and we have children together. I mean our relationship is about as sealed as they get. Instead of thinking in terms of how many days we have left before it's over, I remembered it's not going to be over and we have decades ahead of us. And I felt so happy and relieved to know Jack and I are together.

Pic from a quick Mod pizza date a couple weeks ago.

And as I write this here, I feel a second wave of, I don't know, contentment? Because there was a long time when I was terrified of getting married. There was a time when I would have dreams about Jack proposing and wake up relieved to realize we were not engaged and everything was still flexible. But my dream last night and my waking relief just now were the exact opposite, and it really shows how much I have evolved and improved on the marriage front, more than I ever thought I would.

Anyway, I love my family intensely and I'm grateful to have them.