8.20.21 - Joy status: Clara prepares for kindergarten

Clara is beside herself with excitement to go to her first day of school. This morning was kindergarten orientation, and she was literally dancing around before we got in the car. She was thrilled to go inside the school, see her classroom, meet her teacher, and meet some of the other children. She said she can't wait for "real school" on Monday. I am relieved and delighted that she's finally getting to go.

7.28.21 - Kid snippets: Thanks because you love me

Just now when I gave Clara a kiss goodnight, she wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered in my ear "Thanks, Mom."

I pulled back to look at her.

Me: Thanks for what?
Clara, with a very serious face: Because you love me.
Me: *dies*
(Jk jk)
Me: I *do* love you!
I give her another kiss.
She smiles.

Fin.

5.22.21 - Joy status: Jack's nursing job

**Jack has a nursing job.**

Since last September he's applied to perhaps 40-50 positions in California with no response (aside from an occasional generic "position is filled"). He started applying in Missouri about 5-6 weeks ago and on Thursday one of the main hospital networks in the area (SSM) offered him a position! It's in their new grad onboarding program on the medical-surgical unit, which is great because the position (a) involves plenty of training and (b) is more generalized experience, both good for someone starting out. He starts three days after we unload the moving truck!

5.1.21 - Kid snippets: Are you happy to have have kids and babies?

I'm showing Clara the video tour I took of mine and Jack's first apartment, shortly after we moved in together. There's a part where I zoomed in on the books we had on our bookshelf.

Clara: There are no kids books?
Me: Well we didn't have kids yet, so we didn't have kids books.
Clara: Were you so sad? Were you sad there were no kids and babies?
Me: Well we weren't sad. We knew we might have babies someday.
Clara: And now are you happy? Because you have kids and babies?
Me: **Yes** I am SO happy to have you guys here. I *love* having you guys here!
Clara jumps up and down in approval.

3.19.21 - Parenting is amazing.

 A couple days ago I saw this video and actually teared up:

The video makes me think about how it feels to be a mom, how much we love our children and want the best for them, and how hard it is to articulate those feelings to anyone who has never been a parent. It just changes your entire life. It changes you, it makes you grow and love in ways you didn't know were possible.

Since watching the video I've had the song in my head all week. I've been listening to it at work and humming it to myself at home. In fact the other night after the kids were in bed I was humming it in the shower. I heard Clara pitter patter in to use the bathroom but pretended not to notice. I was still humming to myself when

Clara: Mom? Are you

Me: Yeah?

Clara: Are you taking a shower?

Me: Yeah.

Clara: Oh. I'm just using the potty.

Me: Okay babe. *continues humming*

Clara: Mom?

Me: Yeah?

Clara: You're making beautiful music! It makes me so happy to listen to it.

Me: Oh, thank you!

And then she went back to bed.

3.3.21 - Alone time with Clara

Today was a lovely day overall, but I'm too tired to write out all the details. The main thing I want to make sure to remember is that Jack took Jane and Calvin on a few errands, and while Clara and I were the only ones home, I showed her pictures and videos of the day she was born and the days thereafter. We watched a video of her still at the hospital, yawning. We watched one of Jama giving her a sponge bath on the kitchen counter. While we watched them, she sat in my lap and cuddled and said things like "I was such a cute wittle baaaby!" And I felt overwhelmed with love and awe and joy at my sweet, precious child, getting so big so fast.

3.1.21 - Kid snippets: Clara is almost 6.

For the past week or two Clara hasn't been able to stop talking about how she's almost 6, which has been great. This morning she was particularly excited for us to switch all our calendars from February to March, because it means her birthday is almost here.

Tonight, just before bed, she asked me "Excuse me, Mom, but tomorrow at night I can cross off the 2 [the calendar square for March 2], and then the next morning, I will be 6?"

Me: "Yep, that's right, you will."

Clara: "And I will wake up and say [in awed whisper] 'I'm alive!' and then I will JUMP up--"

Me: "Do not jump on your bed."

Clara: "--I will RUN down my ladder and say to you [lies on her back and kicks and pumps her fists in the air] 'I'm six I'm six I'm SIX!'"

Tomorrow is her last day being five years old, and I can't believe it. It's going so fast. It's a joy to watch her grow but also sad to see her moving through young childhood so quickly. My heart is full.

Picture from earlier today trying out her lab coat from Ellen.

12.23.20 - Joy status: Calvin says "Mama"

Calvin has finally begun calling me "Mama." My heart swells

12.18.20 - Joy status: COVID vaccine

I'm seeing a lot of posts in my newsfeed of friends who are healthcare workers getting the vaccine. Feels so hopeful!

10.8.20 - Joy status: Clara sees how her parents feel about each other

When I came home from work Tuesday night, Clara couldn't wait to give me this pop up card she had made. I didn't even know she knew what pop up cards were. Jack had helped her with the scissors but otherwise it was all her doing, which I think is pretty impressive. She explained it's Jack and me in a boat with a heart.

Then last night Clara was telling me how she and Jane and Calvin love me and I said "I love you guys too." She responded "Yeah AND! Dad loves you too!"

I'm grateful for my marriage in itself. But particularly as a child of divorce, I'm deeply grateful my marriage is good for the sake of my children. Clara clearly notices and cares how Jack and I feel about each other. I can't quite find the words, except to say it humbles me. And I've been thinking about it all day.

8.21.20 - Kid snippets: mini Gozilla and microwaved potatoes

I was cleaning the kitchen. Jane pulled her stool to the sink and stood next to me watching for several minutes, then said "Mom, you a good helper!"

The girls were playing with our Brio trainset but it was becoming too much work for me to prevent Calvin from destroying their track creations. So I got out a rarely used electronic toy (it's like an oversized calculator with sound effects) to distract Calvin. It worked for a minute, but the girls were so envious of the toy that they volunteered to let Calvin play with (aka destroy) their train tracks if they could take turns together on the toy. Now the girls are sitting peacefully talking to each other on the couch while they play with the calculator, and Calvin is a mini Godzilla to the small train village in our living room, but everyone is happy so okay.

Clara helped me make some microwave potatoes. I showed her how to break the eyes off the potato and rinse it, and then how to get it out of the microwave with a fork instead of oven mitts. She was excited to add the salt and pepper and cheese and to get a subsequent potato out of the microwave herself with her own fork. Once the first one was ready, she ate it happily. I said I was glad she liked it because potatoes are some of my all-time favorite food and she said they are her favorite food too. She paused for a second and added, "I love our home." ❤️

Calvin watches Clara play with trains from a spot where he can't destroy the tracks.

8.7.20 - Kid snippets: Clara and Jane love each other

Clara was upset about something and crying. I asked Mimi to get her a tissue but Jane wanted to do it. Instead Jane walked up and very gently wiped Clara's nose. I told them they are both very good sisters to each other. I asked Jane if she loved Clara and she shyly said "Yes..." I asked Clara if she loved Jane and she smiled and silently nodded. And then she seemed to feel better. ❤️

Taken the same day at the playground

5/2/20 - Kid snippets: Clara's imaginary tornado, Baby Mine lullaby

Clara's current imaginary friend is a tornado. Apparently the tornado sits next to her in the back of the car everywhere that we go. Also no matter how many times I correct her she pronounces it "tormado."

We watched Bambi like a month ago and somehow she got it in her mind that a "meadow" is an adult male deer.

She and Jane also both think that gently stroking someone's hair is called "soft." So last night when I was putting her to bed she stroked my hair and said "I soft you."

For several weeks now, every night as we put them to bed I sing them each "Baby Mine," the lullaby from Dumbo. I have been pretty strict about having them be quiet when it's the other person's turn to hear the song, and the silence (besides my singing) has made the lullaby like a short meditation for me. I stroke their hair and rub their backs as I sing to them, and I think about how I sang that song when each of them was born in the hospital and how big they are getting so fast, especially Clara. It's kind of a nice way to center.

4.28.20 - Joy status: in the black

For the first time since Jack and I have been married (and for awhile before that, actually), our total net worth is positive. JOY! INVENTORY!

4.2.20 - Joy statuses: Clara's chipmunk voice, Baby mine, siblings

1) Sometimes chipmunk-voice Clara tries to do the voice of the Cave of Wonders from Aladdin with hilarious results. ("INFIDELS! You have TOUCHED the FORBIDDEN TREASURE!")

2) Some nights before bed I hold first Jane and then Clara and sing the lullaby "Baby Mine" (from Dumbo). When it's Clara's turn, Jane usually lies in her own bed singing along with us. <3

3) This is a repeated joy but I am *so* glad that these two girls have each other (and also Calvin as he gets older and more interactive). Either one of them would be a lot more bored and lonely right now without the other, but instead they play together all the time.

3.3.20 - saying good night to Clara

I left for work before the kids were awake and didn't get home until they were already in bed. Jane was already asleep but Clara was still up. She heard me talking to Jack in the living room and called to me to come see her.

I went into the dark nursery and talked to her briefly about her day. I asked her if they sang her "Happy Birthday" at school and if she gave all her friends stickers and she told me about it a little bit. I asked her for big hugs and I really couldn't get enough because I've been thinking all day about my little girl being not so little anymore. Each hug made me think of how I used to hold her when she was just a tiny little baby. After maybe the third hug:

Me:"I love you so much."
Clara: "I love you too Mom."
Me: "I can't believe you are five years old!"
Clara: "How old are you?"
Me: "34."
Clara: "Wow that is so big and fat!"

She clearly thinks fat is a compliment.

2.23.20 - Hanging out with Calvin at night

Today was the third day since Jack has been in San Francisco and it's getting a little bit difficult for everybody. Place is a mess and I had to repeat things to Clara a lot and I was getting really frustrated. But I got the girls down to bed and then I went and laid on my bed with Calvin sitting up against my side. And he kept slowly stretching back so that his head was resting on my tummy and looking at me and cooing over and over again. It was so adorable. I kept rubbing his fuzzy head and thinking about how some day he will be an ornery teenager and I'll remember nostalgically this little bundle of joy that I have. I cuddled him and kissed him a lot and thought about how much I love babies and whether we should have a fourth kid. It probably lasted about 10 or 15 minutes but I want to remember it because it was such a sweet bonding moment.

Pic taken earlier in the evening.

1.9.20 - Kid snippets: Clara loves me

Last night Jack was reading bedtime stories to the girls in the nursery, and I was feeding Calvin in my room with the door shut. I heard Clara leave the nursery, telling Jack "I'm gonna go see Mom." Then she very tentatively opened my bedroom door. I said "Hi babe, what'cha doing?" She said "I had to come find you." Then she crawled onto the bed with Calvin and me, sat up on her knees, stared at me for a second, and said, "Mom, I love you." It's very rare for her to tell me that without me initiating it, and I just wanted to write it here so I get to keep remembering the moment, because I freaking love being a mom.

Me holding Clara in 2015, 2016, and 2020.

11.27.19 - Kid snippets: cheewios for Thanksgiving

Last night Jane listed everything she thinks we're eating on Thanksgiving: "mashed tatoes, con on cob, chips...waisins...cheewios..."

Also last night I asked Clara if I could have a hug. She ran up and gave me a big hug and, even though I hadn't said anything else, she whispered in my ear "I love you too."

6.2.19 - Kid Snippets: Clara's talking

Jack took the girls to run errands while I was gone working. I got home before them, and when they got home Clara explained:

"I go to the supermarket today!"
Me: "Did you help Dad?"
"Yeah! I go shopping! And we got fries. And I ate it! Tummy is full!"

My heart is bursting with how much she's able to say clearly now