Being a parent has introduced a level of vulnerability to my life unlike anything I'd experienced before. It really drives home how little control I have over the actions of other people or over random chance occurrences. In the first few weeks following both Clara's and Jane's births I had vivid dreams in which I committed acts of extreme violence in defense of my babies. In waking hours I have frequent thoughts--usually in the back of my mind but sometimes more focused--about the different ways in which my daughters require protection and my limitations in being able to provide that protection.
But this isn't just about the vulnerabilty of powerlessness; it's also the vulnerability of really intense love or passion. Of course there are people who I've loved all my life--well before I had children--and who I would be devastated to lose. But my daughters are a difference in kind. It's hard to articulate. I read a quote once that said something like "having children is like watching your heart walk around outside your body." That kind of gets at the sensation. It wasn't until I had children that I experienced what I can best describe as heartbreak, but out of intense happiness instead of sorrow. It's like my kids bust my heart wide open and there's no protection from it, and it feels wonderful in a way but also very exposed. Vulnerable.
Knowing what I know now, of course I could never go back. But it's a strange sensation, and difficult to get used to. I've been a mom for three years so far (a short time, I know) and I feel no more used to this phenomenon now than I did when Clara was first born.
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