I saw some article with a long bullet point list of marriage advice. I thought some of the points were good, some stupid, but it made me think about what relationships approaches have seemed to work really well for me and Jack so far, so I thought I'd list them. Feel free to add ideas.
I called the note "Relationship Strategy" instead of "Relationship Advice" because (1) It's not like I've been married 35 years, so I'm no expert, and more importantly (2) I don't think this advice will necessarily work for some relationships. I know couples who have told me (and I believe them) that some of this wouldn't go over well for them at all. That's fine. But it seems to work really well for Jack and me.
1. Be honest with yourself. If you don't know what you think, what you feel, or why, how are you going to explain any of it to your partner? Try to stay in tune with your own reactions. If you find yourself feeling more intensely upset than you expected, don't just blurt out whatever rationalization pops into your head first. Pause and try to figure out what's going on with you. Be okay with saying "Wow, I am pissed, but I can't fully explain why to you. Not yet. Let me think about it." There's no rule saying your feelings don't count unless you can explain them instantly. Besides, I've found that the longer I try to be introspective, the easier it is to immediately articulate the source of my feelings. So that's a bonus.
2. Be honest with your partner. I don't just mean "don't lie." I mean be forthcoming. Be blunt, even. But find that awesome balance of being direct and still kind. Don't ever expect them to read your mind. Don't refuse to communicate because you think they "should just know." You're just making things harder than they need to be by creating unrealistic expectations. Just tell them.
3. Be able to take blunt honesty. This is the flipside of point #2. From what I can tell, a lot of relationships have crappy communication because people feel if they say what they really think, it'll just start a fight. And to be fair sometimes it will start a fight. Sometimes that's inevitable and you have to work through that fight. But don't let hard truths start a fight unless they really have to. Make it as easy as possible for your partner to follow point #2. If your partner is trying to be direct and open with you, encourage that behavior by not getting too defensive. Let them say what they need to say, and even tell them you're glad they are being direct with you about an unpleasant topic, because it shows you can really trust them to tell you what they think. Doesn't mean you agree with what they think. Doesn't mean you like what they think. But it does mean you want you and your partner to always be able to talk to one another, especially about unpleasant or difficult subjects. That's the bedrock of everything else. Oh, and don't ever ask questions you don't genuinely want to know the answers to. That's just confusing.
4. If you are wrong, admit it. If you feel guilty, apologize. Don't ever wait for an apology before giving one if you really owe one. Apologies aren't something you hold onto for trade. Same thing with admitting your wrong. You are responsible for your behavior regardless of whether your partner is behaving well or not. Set the high standard by leading with example. Show your partner that being honest is more important than "winning." Besides, if you always admit when you're wrong and apologize when you're sorry, then you set a precedent so when you don't believe you're wrong or you aren't sorry, your partner knows you really feel that way; you aren't just resisting admitting something out of pride or manipulation. Then you guys can talk about the real issue instead of getting caught in a bunch of sub-issue nonsense. In other words, admitting when you're wrong and apologizing when you're sorry are additional ways to increase honesty, trust, and communication. Plus, of course, you're likely to settle problems more quickly and peaceably.
5. Accept apologies with grace. If your partner humbles themself by genuinely apologizing to you, never respond with something like "Good! Because you really did hurt my feelings blah blah blah blah." Just as you should make it easy for them to be honest with you, you should make it easy for them to apologize to you.
6. Don't pretend to think you're wrong to settle a dispute. Don't give apologies you don't mean. This is a bit of advice I never see people give. In fact it seems like people give the opposite advice--stuff implying that it's more important to settle problems than to be honest. Those shouldn't be opposing forces. Don't violate point #2. If you can't settle a problem except to be deceptive about what you think and feel, you've just created new problems. And if your partner picks up on your insincerity, then your genuine apologies and admissions of wrongdoing become suspect too. Plus, frankly, it's just condescending. If I thought Jack was just telling me I'm right and he's wrong when he didn’t really believe it, I would believe he thinks I can't handle his true thoughts, either emotionally or rationally. In other words, I would think he thinks I can't practice point #3. And that would just piss me off. I'm not that fragile.
7. Don't get pejorative. Sometimes you're going to get really pissed off. Some of us do more than others. :-P Don't call names, don't get sarcastic, don't be manipulative, don't try to twist their words, etc. Basically, don't be a dick. You might be so angry you feel perfectly justified in lashing out. Don't do it. Sure, you guys will probably work through whatever you're fighting about and be in a happy phase later, but the "forgive and forget" thing? Nonsense. It's hard for most people to forgive, and it's near impossible for most people to truly forget. Maybe they can "forget about it" in the sense that they let it go, but you don't ever get to unsay things. You can't undo the fact that you really angered or hurt your partner because you felt your anger justified your behavior. Being upset is not a pass to be a jerk. Practice wording like "Look, I'm [whatever emotion] for [whatever reasons.]" Practice being matter-of-fact even and especially when you're upset. Practice being direct. But don't get pejorative.
8. Don't put up with them being pejorative. Another tidbit I don't see on advice columns. To be clear: it may make sense to temporarily put up with their disrespect in the heat of the moment in order to avoid escalating a situation. You'll have to make that call. Sometimes it works out better to call out pejorative behavior immediately, and other times it works out better to let them (and yourself) cool down, and then calmly bring it up later. But bring it up at some point. Something like "Listen, earlier I noticed you [said or did whatever behavior]. I get that you were really angry because of [whatever reasons], but I don't think either of us should treat each other that way. I'm really not okay with that." Etc. Hold your relationship to high standards.
9. Have a date night. Doesn't have to be expensive or long. But find time at least once a week to spend one-on-one without any laptops or TVs or other people preoccupying you. This part is especially important as your lives get busier or you go through a phase of really incompatible schedules or you have kids or whatever other countless distractions can pile up. Make a weekly (or biweekly or monthly if you have to) date night non-negotiable; decide together that it's a priority even when you're busy or broke. It can really help you through the more stressful times. It helps make sure you keep talking, you know what's going on with each other, you're staying bonded. It’s a way to remind your partner that they are a priority to you. There have been plenty of date nights I actually didn't even want to go on that much--too tired or stressed with a long to do list or whatever. And he's felt that way too. But we always go, and it's built a really good habit for us. (Don't get me wrong, usually we both want to go. It's fun.)
10. Ask how you can do better. Every now and then, randomly, Jack will ask how he can be a better husband, or how we could do better as a couple. And every now and then, randomly, I ask him. But only ask when you really want to know. When we ask each other these questions, we are ready to hear any criticism or "opportunity for growth" the other person has to offer. These questions aren't just a ritual conversation to get the other person to tell us how awesome we are and how they wouldn't change a thing. These questions are part of regular maintenance for our relationship--to check in, to make sure everything is going well and no problems are building up. And if you get in the habit of asking each other, knowing you always sincerely want to know, the questions also become very endearing because you know your partner cares enough to do that regular maintenance.
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