Sometimes the outdoors is pretty nice.

Supernatural

I won't pretend the show is very good, but that hasn't stopped me from really enjoying it the last few weeks.

6.27.14 - Drive In!

Ellen came up to Sacramento yesterday so that we could film a podcast together today. That went well, and created a lot of thought-provoking discussion. Then we lounged around on our laptops for a couple hours having side conversations about different FB debates we're in (that's what we do). Then we decided to go to the drive in.

One of the great things about the drive in is you can bring your own food and it's not a big deal. We went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of Diet Coke, Milk Duds, and m&m's.

The drive in plays double features, and you can see both movies for $7.50 (not bad at all). Our options were:

1. How to Train Your Dragon 2/Maleficent
2. Think Like a Man Too/Edge of Tomorrow
3. Godzilla/Transformers

We went to Rotten Tomatoes and added up the review percentages for each of the pairs of movies. The third option didn't even net 100% between the two of them, haha (apparently Transformers is only getting 15%. Yikes.) HtTYD2 has 91% and Edge of Tomorrow has 90%, but Maleficent is only 50% and Think Like a Man Too is a whopping 22%. So we cheated.

Ellen and I took her car and bought tickets for HtTYD2/Maleficent. Ellen went and bought a big tub of popcorn (only about $5, compared to most movie theaters that are about $10, plus free refills). After Jack got off work he drove up and got a ticket for TLaMT/Edge of Tomorrow. Then he walked over and sat in Ellen's car with us to watch HtTYD2, and when that was done we went back to the concession stand (in the center of all the lots) and refilled our popcorn, then walked over to watched Edge of Tomorrow. 

HtTYD2 was pretty good. I chuckled a few times, though I thought the first one was better. Jack and I had seen Edge of Tomorrow already but Ellen hadn't, and she was pretty into it. I thought she'd like it. I still liked it the second time seeing it.

We got there around 8:15pm and left around 1:15am or so. I was exhausted by the end but I had a great time.

6.26.14 - I'm pregnant!

I took the test yesterday and it was positive. I was so excited! I couldn’t wait for Jack to come home so I could tell him. I put the positive test in gold & white tissue paper in a gold gift bag. When he got home he saw how much I’d cleaned up and said I was the best wife ever. I said, “AND I got you a gift.” He wanted to know what it was for, what was the occasion. I told him it was just because I liked him. As he was opening it he asked what it was or if it was a card and I told him just to open it and see. When he did open it he didn’t know! He asked “What is this?” And I smiled and said “It’s a pregnancy test!” and he started smiling too. He gave me a hug, and then he wanted to know who we could tell.

So we got his parents on Skype and told them right away. Merlene looked like she would cry, happy tears. Don said it was “stinkin’ awesome.” Then I called Dad to tell him and he was definitely thrilled. He said it was going to be great and cautioned me to take care of myself. I texted Julie and Ellen—they already knew I might be. Here are the texts between Julie and me:

Me: Test was positive. Looks like I’m pregnant. Due end of Feb. Haven’t told Mom or boys yet, but Dad & Jill know. J

Julie: My brain just exploded.

Me: lol

Julie: OOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGG! CONGRATS! …And may god have mercy on your soul.

Me: LOL…expect a lot of complaining.

Julie: Yeah I understand. GAAAAHHHHH!

Julie: Does El know then? Is it okay to tell Denny?

Me: You can tell him. I texted her same time as you but haven’t heard back.

Julie: GAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Me: Lol

Last night I had dreams involving Jack protecting me in the most over-the-top macho action movie way possible (he was punching people while holding fistfuls of glass, because that’s a thing that can happen). We were on some island that was starting to flood, and there were a lot of people there starting to panic and run toward shore. We found Julie and Denny and Jack told Denny that he and Denny need to run in formation ahead and to either side of me to protect me from oncoming crazy people (?) because I’m pregnant. It was pretty ridiculous.

Summer rain.

Wedding Joys - Colors and photos and cake!

Wedding Joys - Leading up to the wedding.

6.18.14 - My 10 Point Relationship Strategy

I saw some article with a long bullet point list of marriage advice. I thought some of the points were good, some stupid, but it made me think about what relationships approaches have seemed to work really well for me and Jack so far, so I thought I'd list them. Feel free to add ideas.

I called the note "Relationship Strategy" instead of "Relationship Advice" because (1) It's not like I've been married 35 years, so I'm no expert, and more importantly (2) I don't think this advice will necessarily work for some relationships. I know couples who have told me (and I believe them) that some of this wouldn't go over well for them at all. That's fine. But it seems to work really well for Jack and me.

1. Be honest with yourself. If you don't know what you think, what you feel, or why, how are you going to explain any of it to your partner? Try to stay in tune with your own reactions. If you find yourself feeling more intensely upset than you expected, don't just blurt out whatever rationalization pops into your head first. Pause and try to figure out what's going on with you. Be okay with saying "Wow, I am pissed, but I can't fully explain why to you. Not yet. Let me think about it." There's no rule saying your feelings don't count unless you can explain them instantly. Besides, I've found that the longer I try to be introspective, the easier it is to immediately articulate the source of my feelings. So that's a bonus.

2. Be honest with your partner. I don't just mean "don't lie." I mean be forthcoming. Be blunt, even. But find that awesome balance of being direct and still kind. Don't ever expect them to read your mind. Don't refuse to communicate because you think they "should just know." You're just making things harder than they need to be by creating unrealistic expectations. Just tell them.

3. Be able to take blunt honesty. This is the flipside of point #2. From what I can tell, a lot of relationships have crappy communication because people feel if they say what they really think, it'll just start a fight. And to be fair sometimes it will start a fight. Sometimes that's inevitable and you have to work through that fight. But don't let hard truths start a fight unless they really have to. Make it as easy as possible for your partner to follow point #2. If your partner is trying to be direct and open with you, encourage that behavior by not getting too defensive. Let them say what they need to say, and even tell them you're glad they are being direct with you about an unpleasant topic, because it shows you can really trust them to tell you what they think. Doesn't mean you agree with what they think. Doesn't mean you like what they think. But it does mean you want you and your partner to always be able to talk to one another, especially about unpleasant or difficult subjects. That's the bedrock of everything else. Oh, and don't ever ask questions you don't genuinely want to know the answers to. That's just confusing.

4. If you are wrong, admit it. If you feel guilty, apologize. Don't ever wait for an apology before giving one if you really owe one. Apologies aren't something you hold onto for trade. Same thing with admitting your wrong. You are responsible for your behavior regardless of whether your partner is behaving well or not. Set the high standard by leading with example. Show your partner that being honest is more important than "winning." Besides, if you always admit when you're wrong and apologize when you're sorry, then you set a precedent so when you don't believe you're wrong or you aren't sorry, your partner knows you really feel that way; you aren't just resisting admitting something out of pride or manipulation. Then you guys can talk about the real issue instead of getting caught in a bunch of sub-issue nonsense. In other words, admitting when you're wrong and apologizing when you're sorry are additional ways to increase honesty, trust, and communication. Plus, of course, you're likely to settle problems more quickly and peaceably.

5. Accept apologies with grace. If your partner humbles themself by genuinely apologizing to you, never respond with something like "Good! Because you really did hurt my feelings blah blah blah blah." Just as you should make it easy for them to be honest with you, you should make it easy for them to apologize to you.

6. Don't pretend to think you're wrong to settle a dispute. Don't give apologies you don't mean. This is a bit of advice I never see people give. In fact it seems like people give the opposite advice--stuff implying that it's more important to settle problems than to be honest. Those shouldn't be opposing forces. Don't violate point #2. If you can't settle a problem except to be deceptive about what you think and feel, you've just created new problems. And if your partner picks up on your insincerity, then your genuine apologies and admissions of wrongdoing become suspect too. Plus, frankly, it's just condescending. If I thought Jack was just telling me I'm right and he's wrong when he didn’t really believe it, I would believe he thinks I can't handle his true thoughts, either emotionally or rationally. In other words, I would think he thinks I can't practice point #3. And that would just piss me off. I'm not that fragile.

7. Don't get pejorative. Sometimes you're going to get really pissed off. Some of us do more than others. :-P Don't call names, don't get sarcastic, don't be manipulative, don't try to twist their words, etc. Basically, don't be a dick. You might be so angry you feel perfectly justified in lashing out. Don't do it. Sure, you guys will probably work through whatever you're fighting about and be in a happy phase later, but the "forgive and forget" thing? Nonsense. It's hard for most people to forgive, and it's near impossible for most people to truly forget. Maybe they can "forget about it" in the sense that they let it go, but you don't ever get to unsay things. You can't undo the fact that you really angered or hurt your partner because you felt your anger justified your behavior. Being upset is not a pass to be a jerk. Practice wording like "Look, I'm [whatever emotion] for [whatever reasons.]" Practice being matter-of-fact even and especially when you're upset. Practice being direct. But don't get pejorative.

8. Don't put up with them being pejorative. Another tidbit I don't see on advice columns. To be clear: it may make sense to temporarily put up with their disrespect in the heat of the moment in order to avoid escalating a situation. You'll have to make that call. Sometimes it works out better to call out pejorative behavior immediately, and other times it works out better to let them (and yourself) cool down, and then calmly bring it up later. But bring it up at some point. Something like "Listen, earlier I noticed you [said or did whatever behavior]. I get that you were really angry because of [whatever reasons], but I don't think either of us should treat each other that way. I'm really not okay with that." Etc. Hold your relationship to high standards.

9. Have a date night. Doesn't have to be expensive or long. But find time at least once a week to spend one-on-one without any laptops or TVs or other people preoccupying you. This part is especially important as your lives get busier or you go through a phase of really incompatible schedules or you have kids or whatever other countless distractions can pile up. Make a weekly (or biweekly or monthly if you have to) date night non-negotiable; decide together that it's a priority even when you're busy or broke. It can really help you through the more stressful times. It helps make sure you keep talking, you know what's going on with each other, you're staying bonded. It’s a way to remind your partner that they are a priority to you. There have been plenty of date nights I actually didn't even want to go on that much--too tired or stressed with a long to do list or whatever. And he's felt that way too. But we always go, and it's built a really good habit for us. (Don't get me wrong, usually we both want to go. It's fun.)

10. Ask how you can do better. Every now and then, randomly, Jack will ask how he can be a better husband, or how we could do better as a couple. And every now and then, randomly, I ask him. But only ask when you really want to know. When we ask each other these questions, we are ready to hear any criticism or "opportunity for growth" the other person has to offer. These questions aren't just a ritual conversation to get the other person to tell us how awesome we are and how they wouldn't change a thing. These questions are part of regular maintenance for our relationship--to check in, to make sure everything is going well and no problems are building up. And if you get in the habit of asking each other, knowing you always sincerely want to know, the questions also become very endearing because you know your partner cares enough to do that regular maintenance.

A happy nose.

6.17.14 - My 29th Birthday

Today is the beginning of the last year of my twenties. I don't think I feel as old as I am, which I guess is good? Just last week some lady told me she thought I was more like 19. I'll take it.

Anyway, this year has already been great.  I did a speech at the Walk, and through that I've met a lot of new people, including people who are becoming pretty good friends. Dad almost got terribly hurt but ended up okay, and I count that as a joy because it was such a relief. Jack and I got married, that's a big one. And the year is only half done.

Really all of my twenties have been pretty great. Though it was a long process, I ultimately earned my bachelor's from my dream school, a fact I've been very proud of ever since. I've worked lots of different kinds of jobs, and I've learned a lot. I also had what was, IMO, a good first serious relationship, followed not long after by a great last serious relationship, since, you know, I'm married now. I've maintained several friendships that began before I was twenty, and made good friends with many more people. MANY more, if I think about it. My friendships with my siblings have grown and deepened as we've all become adults.

I think that really is what I'm most grateful for--all the good relationships I have. And I have so many. My life is full of cool people I really care about who really care about me. And that's easier to remember today of all days (thanks, largely, to Facebook telling people it's my birthday, haha). Here's a sampling:

So many happy messages. :) And that's just a sampling, as of now I've had over 60 people write me over FB for my birthday.

I still don't really know what I'm doing with my life, but I've come to accept that many people never actually figure that out. Somewhere along the way I've switched from trying to figure out what the plan is to enjoying how my life is going already (while still working hard, of course).

Hopefully by this time next year I'll be done with my master's and I'll have a kid, or a kid on the way. Those would both be great accomplishments! But either way, my life is good. :)

6.15.14 - Happy Father's Day!

Today I called my dad while I was working out. We talked for my entire one hour workout, and then for probably another 40 minutes or so. It was really nice. We talked about the PL summit I went to last week. We talked about the construction on his one house and how it's going trying to rent out the other. We talked about Jack's job and how far he's going to go in life (Dad is very optimistic about that). We talked about all sorts of things, and the conversation flowed smoothly the whole time. I expect we would've talked even longer if he didn't have so much else he has to get done.

I think my dad and I both have a bit of a temper, and we also clash on some issues. We've had some heated arguments, even fights, before. I'm really glad that, despite those factors, we've maintained a good relationship. I think we've learned how to better interact with each other, and that's definitely a joy for me.

Summer fun!

"Sweet summer rain - like God's own mercy."

6.8.14 - Early June - time to myself

The quarter isn't technically over yet, and I still have some papers to grade, but I've graded all the most important ones. I have enough planned for next week that I'm (still) not ready to start research, so in the mean time I've had time the last 2-3 days to work on non-work non-school projects, and it's been very enjoyable.

I've been really into Supernatural lately (Jack finally got me hooked), but I can't bring myself to watch TV without getting other things done. So I've actually gotten a lot done as I watch episode after episode. I've cleaned most of my apartment, cooked a few meals, and finally almost caught up on my scrapbooking. That last part is especially time-consuming, but now I've scrapbooked everything up until last Thanksgiving. I also took about half of the paper sunflowers from my wedding centerpieces and strung them up in the apartment:

So cheerful! I love it.

It's also been great being able to stay in my own town for a stretch of time. We've been about a week and a half since the wedding, and that's the longest time in a row that I've been home in months. It's good to regain some stability. The apartment is relatively clean, we're caught up on laundry, there's plenty of food in the kitchen, and it's great to sleep in my own bed and wake up to relative quiet. So that's been nice too.

Some days I go up to Starbucks to grade papers, just to get a change of scenery. One of our wedding gifts was a Starbucks gift card, so I don't even have to feel guilty about it, haha. When I was walking up to Starbucks yesterday, I thought how nice it is to have lived here long enough that the area feels familiar and comfortable. I also thought, again, about how much I like the weather here, pretty much year around .It gets a little hot in the summer days, but the summer nights are so lovely. Last night Jack and I drove home from a dinner party (also fun, by the way) with the windows down and it was about 75 out. Gorgeous. I wish I could find even more pictures to show how I feel about summer nights! This photo depiction will do this time:

Ahhhh.

Getting Summer-y.