5.27.19 - Cuddling with Jane who was up late

Jane was fussing and not going to bed easily. I got sick of it and told Jack I was putting headphones in so to please listen out for her. I got sucked into what I was doing on the computer and about an hour later thought surely she was passed out by now, but when I took my headphones out I could still hear her babbling. While not as bad as fussing, it's a problem because she is awake way too late and will be wiped tomorrow.

I went to check on her not realizing Jack had just gone in to do the same, and though he was settling her she saw me and started fussing again. I told him I'd stay with her a bit.

Just prior to this I had read a moving thread online that involved pregnancy loss. This is my Joy Inventory so I don't want to go into great detail on that here, but suffice to say Scout was on my mind. I felt a buried sort of sadness and could really use cuddling with my kids, so it was perfect that's also what Jane wanted. I just sat on the floor next to her bed and rubbed my face on her hand and my hand on her back while she lie in bed quietly staring at me in the dark. I could tell she was pretty tired by how zoned out she was, but she also seemed to want to stay awake and enjoy the cuddles.

I stayed with her for what felt like a long time, and I thought about the bad precedent, about not wanting her to expect us to cuddle with her until she passes out, but I think one single night will be fine and frankly I wanted/needed the cuddles probably more than she did. I thought about her tiny hands and fingers I could feel almost imperceptibly moving across my face and closed eyes. I thought about how amazing and indescribable it is to have your own little people, who are part of you, who you made, who you love so much. I thought sadly of how I'll never have these cuddles with Scout, and then tried to resolve to soak them in more with Jane. For me it was a very sad but soothing experience.

Eventually I asked Jane if she wanted Bobo and she whispered "Yes!" So I handed him to her and she hugged him to her chest, but then wanted me to hug and kiss him, then took him back again. I kissed her head a few times, told her I loved her and good night, and she fell asleep peacefully.

Pic from a morning a few weeks ago.