6.30.17 - June joy statuses

6.29.17 - Clara and Jane cute moments

Clara can say "triangle," "rectangle," "circle," "oval," and "diamond" in reasonably recognizable English, but for some reason she calls squares "gweese."

She's also getting better at naming the animals from the safari puzzle Mom got her last Christmas. She's got "gawaffe," "zeeba," "ah-gay-ter," "nie-ro" (rhino), and "effweet" (elephant). I think it's pretty funny that "Everett" and "elephant" are the same word to her right now. At the moment she thinks the hippo is a cow.

Such a talented stacking girl.

We've been reading an alphabet book that has a lot of animals, so now, even when we aren't reading anything, she will randomly say "G is fo' gawaffe!" or "C is for cow, moooo! D is for dog woof woof!" The giraffe one is definitely her favorite though.

Goofing around in our room on a Saturday morning.

Most evenings before bed, whichever parent is getting Clara ready for bed will bring her to the other parent for a good night kiss. She usually tries to then push our faces together so that Jack and I will kiss each other, and we usually oblige 2-3x. Well Sunday night Beth came over to babysit so Jack and I could go on a date. At one point after we got home Beth was holding Clara on her hip, and Clara tried to push mine and Beth's faces together so we would kiss. We both thought that was pretty funny, and when we laughed Clara did too. I think it's adorable when she laughs along even if she's not sure why.

Replaced the laundry with herself.

I rewatched a video from a year ago when Clara was less than 1.5 years old and was toddling around. Amazing how fast the time goes. It's also amazing how within a 24 hour period I can think both "Good lord, when will Jack get home so I can leave and get some time to focus on work and not be holding a fussy baby or watching a fussy toddler?" and then also thinking "I haven't cuddled Clara or Jane in several hours. I miss them. Soon they will be too big to cuddle--I should get cuddling in while I can!"

Trying to get a pic of their matching dresses.

In other news, basically every day probably 2-5 times a day, I'll sit near Jane so she can see my face and I'll smile at her and coo things to her and she grins and grins, sometimes full open-mouthed grins, like she's so excited for us to have this conversation. She will also switch from grunts to coos, and coo at me over and over like she's responding. I say basically the same things every time: "Hi little fuzzhead, little blue eyes, little button nose, little heart-shaped tongue. Hi little mittens, little chubby thighs, little butt, little ears." And she just lights up. It's so endearing.

Love getting those smiles <3

6.17.17 - My Birthday

Today was a wonderful day.

But first: throughout the week I received a bunch of Amazon Prime packages from my mom and siblings with all this new kitchen stuff. Most of it was stuff we already owned but needed to replace as part of our gluten free kitchen, but in addition to that Julie bought me the Magic Bullet blender, which I was pretty excited to start using once we cleared counter space for it.

And it comes with labeled gluten free recipes!

I also got several cards in the mail (Dad, Merlene, Jack's Grandma, Sarah) but I saved them all to open on the actual day.

And then last night Jack took Clara with him to IKEA to get the wall bookshelves he was buying and installing for my birthday. At the time I didn't know where he was getting the shelves, but when I later found out it made the gift all the more endearing because I think going to and through IKEA is kind of a hassle, but especially with a toddler.

And I love the shelves! I've been feeling more cramped in our little apartment now that we have four people and all the supplies that come with an infant out again. Finding ways to use the walls for storage and free up some of the rest of the place is a great gift in itself - and he did everything from pick them out to install them so I didn't even have to be involved. Now our bedroom looks more literary than ever and our desk looks far less cluttered!

I had also recently ordered a magnetic knife holder off Amazon Prime for the same reason. When Jack got back from IKEA he installed the knife holder and one of the bookshelves, but we decided to wait on the other shelf because it was getting late and we didn't want to annoy the neighbors.

So all of this birthday goodness happened before my birthday had even arrived.

Then this morning I fed Jane and experimentally placed her in the crib, and she slept peacefully there for over an hour! For context, so far she hasn't really slept in the crib more than 10-15 minutes at a time. Having Jane sleep on not-me and not-Jack so easily really made the morning relaxing. I guess that was my birthday gift from her!

For a little while Clara and I played "Sister Mary Mommy," which consists of her handing me one of her blankets and me putting it over my head like a nun's habit and then smiling and saying "Sister Mary Mommy!" Then we do it with her and I say "Sister Mary Clara!" Then repeat. She loves it. She laughs so hard. And since Jane was asleep I was able to spend the time with Clara uninterrupted, which is especially nice since I feel like I haven't gotten to interact with Clara as much the last few weeks.

Several people texted me birthday greetings during the day, but my favorite was Dad's:

Although I just realized he got my age wrong. Eh, close enough.

Once when I was a kid I went with Dad to pick out a Christmas tree, and the tree farm we went to had a short tree, only a few feet tall. It came exactly up to my nose and the top of Dad's back pocket, and he pointed that out. Then for the next few days (or weeks, I don't remember) he would ask me how tall the tree was compared to me and compared to him, so many times that I never forgot it, and now we can both sit back and marvel at how small I used to be compared to now. Anyway it was a sweet throwback.

During the morning Jack helped me clean up the apartment a bit, partly for my own sanity and partly because Erin and Rachel were coming over later. He even cleaned the bathroom, probably my least favorite chore, so that was very helpful.

At some point both Ellen and later Julie called to wish me Happy Birthday. Ellen and I talked a lot about Netflix shows, including Bloodline and The OA (which I had just finished the day before or so). Julie and I talked mostly about kids and raising toddlers. Either way I don't talk to either of them on the phone very often so that was nice.

I also opened all my birthday cards. Dad sent a funny one with a joke about "mom brain" and three dollar bills. Sarah sent a sweet one that said when she is with me and my family she feels like she's home. <3 And Merlene and Jack's grandma both sent checks, which frankly helped me feel better about not getting any work done that weekend.

In the early afternoon Jack stayed with the girls and I went out to get my free Starbucks drink. I go to Starbucks all the time throughout the year, but I still get excited about my free birthday drink each year. Just another gesture to make the day special. I splurged and got a venti mocha frap with whipped cream and everything, and while I ordered and waited for it I chatted with the barista about my birthday plans. It was one of the Starbucks I go to regularly and she recognized me. The last time I'd been there she had remembered I used to be pregnant (and wasn't any longer) and we had talked about our kids for awhile. I don't think either of us remember each other's names but it's still nice to have some familiar faces around where we live and feel at home.

I took my cool and delicious frap (perfect for this increasingly hot weather) and drove a little further down the street to Safeway, where I picked out some ice cream. It was on sale BOGO so it ended up being even less expensive than Walmart Neighborhood Market, a rarity. Then I took all my treats home just in time to get there before Erin and Rachel arrived.

They both came bearing gifts: Erin brought gluten free chocolate muffins (awww) and some apple cider and sangria. Rachel had brought us a stainless steel pots and pans set! I had actually specifically told Rachel not to worry about a gift because she's already driving all the way from and to the bay area to hang out, and I think that's gift enough. But she said she had some kind of discount and gift card or something so she just got it for us. That was touching.

Then they both helped me remove all our old dishes and cookware that have been glutened and replace with all the kitchen stuff I got for my birthday. Specifically Rachel helped by bringing in a bunch of tote bags from her car and sorting things into Goodwill vs trash and also dividing some of the nicer stuff among her and Erin to take home. And Erin helped by holding Jane the whole time. This always sounds like a simple task but it makes a huge difference.

We got through a lot of the kitchen before it was really getting to be time to head out. Erin and Rachel had split a Groupon so we could all go to Revolution Wines and enjoy some child-free visiting and wine sipping.

We arrived there in the middle of Happy Hour, which was perfect. We enjoyed an easy going atmosphere (people around but not overly crowded or noisy) and olives and ciabatta, fancy mac'n'cheese, a cheese plate, and several glasses of wine, all while talking for hours. We talked about our relationships and Erin's wedding and all sorts of odds and ends. It was a very good visit.

And Erin and Rachel still stuck around for a while when we got home and we enjoyed the gluten free muffins and ice cream together. We did stick a candle in a muffin and they sang me Happy Birthday, but that was really for Clara's benefit and for some reason she found it upsetting and had to be consoled. I think it makes her feel put on the spot. But the treats she had after helped her get over it quickly.

Ice cream and Cheerio face is over it.

Not long after the girls left, Neil called and we talked maybe half an hour about my day and his work and whatever. It doesn't really matter what we're talking about: Neil often makes me laugh pretty hard. I ended up getting off the phone with him when Renata called to say Happy Birthday, and she and I talked about 45 minutes about what's going on with us. I told her about how I had only two glasses of wine when I was out, and when we got back Erin asked if we wanted sangria or if we were all "drinked out." Renata and I laughed about how different that was then our celebrations in our early twenties, such as my 23rd birthday in Missouri, when we ended the night drunkenly at Waffle House wearing tiaras. How times have changed. Then we reminisced for awhile about that summer and how wonderful and formative it turned out to be. So glad we shared that together.

Renata and me during my 23rd birthday celebration, about 9 years ago now.

Not long after that I talked to Mom on the phone and told her all about my nice day. And when I was finally done with phone calls I got to listen to four voicemails of various Jacksons singing me "Happy Birthday"! (One VM from Don & Merlene, one from Dave & Meghan, and 2 from Aaron and Katie for some reason, the last of which was pretty funny because Aaron kept talking about how he hoped I listened to the VMs in order, otherwise I would just be too confused to understand.)

And throughout the day, of course, I also got birthday greetings on FB from people. These were my favorites:

The whole day was filled with good food and conversation and reminders of how many friends I have. It was very nice!

6.15.17 - The paradox of being home with a newborn.

Last night I was very tired way before Jane was, and so rather than let her wind down on her own, I tried to nurse her to sleep in bed. That was a mistake. She just woke up every 20-40 minutes for hours wanting to be held or comfort fed. By 2:30 am, when I was walking her around the living room trying to get her to settle, I was beyond frustrated to actually pissed, even if it makes no sense to be angry at an infant.

And yet with only a few hours of sleep (she settled down after that, thankfully), I was already back to almost looking forward to her stirring to I could pick her up and cuddle her and feed her again.

All the cool babies stick your butts in the air!

Similarly, this morning I put her on a quilt on the floor to give myself a break from having her on me all the time (either in the baby wrap or being carried). She started to fuss pretty quickly so I sat on the floor with her and started talking to her and singing to her. At first I was frustrated because, even though she was not physically attached to me, she was still keeping me from doing anything else (cleaning up, mostly, or other little chores I had in mind to get done). But a moment later my frustration melted away as I marveled at the little person she is, that Jack and I actually created her, and that she was already learning so much.

Tummy time while she checks out the animal puzzle pieces.

And of course every time she gives even the slightest of smiles, even a half smile, my heart totally melts. I spend a decent amount of time each day trying to get her to smile more. She's like the baby smile dealer.

The smile I got for singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.

I love the feeling of her little fuzzy head. I can't seem to stop kissing her head or cheeks. I love that she's transitioning from only silence and cries to some coos mixed in there and other experimental vocal sounds. And she's starting to be more interactive a little, reacting to my voice for example, or to having something new to look at.

Can't stop kissing that fuzz head.

All of that is already delightful, and I know it only gets more enjoyable as she expands her abilities (half rolls, interest in the pictures in books, etc. - not to mention the ability to sleep in her crib for hours at a time, can't wait for that one.) It's cheering to think there's a lot to look forward to.

6.10.17 - Unabashed

I'm enjoying that Clara is still young enough that she doesn't think about what other people will think of her enthusiasm or the way that she plays. She sings, dances, reads to herself, plays with Bobo and Hobbes and Marcy or with other toys, all without giving a thought to whether she's being adorable or funny or silly.

I suspect it won't be long before she starts to think about me watching or video taping and she'll act differently because of it, and I'll have to get sneakier. But for now it doesn't bother her at all and I think that is so sweet.

6.6.17 - Clara and Jane update

I had more time when Clara was an newborn to record what it was like staying home with her. It was also a wholly new experience, making me more keen to capture it. Even so I want to remember Jane's beginning too.

The biggest difference between the two is that Jane is almost exclusively breastfed. I am really glad that's working out. It's a lot simpler than both pumping and feeding, and it does feel like more of a bond than bottle feeding (though I have nothing against that either). Jane has been slightly congested for about 2 weeks now ever since she caught some kind of sniffle Clara had. The congestion doesn't prevent her from feeding so I am not really worried about it, but it does make her breathing much more audible. When she's hungry she starts rooting and if I don't feed her pretty quickly she starts crying, but once I put her in the position to breastfeed she must know that means she's about to be satisfied, because she usually stops crying and starts breathing rapidly, as if she's excited. The congestion makes it sound like she's snorting like a little piglet. It's like she's rooting for truffles or something. It's actually totally adorable. Combine that with the fact that she seems to want to eat all the time and the piggy impression is complete.

I like to watch her cheeks puff in and out and her throat move as she swallows. I also like the way she purses her lips when she's done, as if to make her mouth as small and shut as possible. She often does this sort of post-feed stretch, always with her eyes shut, flinging her arms over her head and sticking her chin up.

Right: the face Jane makes when she doesn't want to eat anymore.

Jane is only 3.5 weeks old, but I've already tried letting her cry it out a bit from time to time. It's not that I want to per se, it's that I feel a lot of pressure to get other things done, especially paid work, while she's sleeping, but that's very hard to do if she's always sleeping on me. I think she's too little to cry it out, though, or maybe I'm just not ready for it, because I can barely make it 10 minutes, at the most, before picking her up. And whenever I pick her up I feel so relieved to be able to hold her and comfort her, and also endeared to her that she usually stops crying almost immediately and just rests her little fuzzy head on my shoulder. I know this is how probably just about all babies are, but some part of me still feels honored that she finds me so immediately comforting and I take pleasure in being able to comfort her.

The only place she wants to be: sleeping on me.

All of this Jane bonding time means I don't get to spend as much time and attention on Clara. Fortunately she has Beth and Jack to do that, and I think it's been a good phase for her and Jack in particular. Two nights ago after he put her to bed, Jack came into our room to tell me how much he loves our girls.

Even so, I miss Clara a bit, so I find it all the more delightful when I get to spend a little time with her sans Jane. Usually this takes the form of reading Clara a few stories while she sits in my lap. I tried to teach her to say either "more" or "read" when she wants me to read a story again, but she would say "more" and I would say "okay!" a little too consistently, so now when she wants me to read a story again she hands me the book and just says "okay!" Haha. If I try to redirect, asking her "more?" she just repeats "okay!" Oh well, she'll figure it out eventually.

I particularly enjoy reading "Pete the Cat (Wheels on the Bus)" to her because she mimics all the hand gestures I do for each page (wheels turning, wipers swishing, honking the horn, etc.) She also is really into "Hello Ninja" right now. Luckily it's very short so rereading it even 5 or more times doesn't take that long.

For a while now, whenever Jack or I are getting ready to put Clara to bed, we carry her to the other parent so she can kiss them good night. In the last few nights she's started pushing our faces toward each other so we'll kiss each other good night too, and then she always looks so thrilled when we do. So now the tradition is for Jack and me to kiss each other, and then both kiss her on each cheek. I love it.

Also, today is only my third or fourth time being home with the two girls. I'm starting to get a rhythm. Of course the trickiest part is when I need to feed Jane, because I am basically immobile. I've been shutting Clara into my bedroom with us so I can keep an eye on her. Today before I got set up, I brought in a few books, a forgotten toy from her toy box, her sippy cup, and a bowl of apple slices. I put them all on the hope chest, the closest thing to a table at Clara's height.

When I shut her in with us she did a great job. I was able to feed Jane and even watch one of my Netflix shows while Clara ate the apple and pretended to read to herself and just self-entertained. She's generally very good about that. I was having a hard time even focusing on my Netflix show because I was so enjoying seeing both of my girls at the same time, both happy doing what they were doing. Plus it's a relief to be starting to get some kind of rhythm with staying home with them.

6.3.17 - Sarah and Shannon's visits

Before Jane was born, Sarah mentioned she'd like to come up and help out after. I explained we had family in town through the end of May, so this last week Sarah called to ask if she could come up this weekend to help out.

She got here yesterday evening and she came bearing fresh vegetables. I had texted earlier in the day to let her know we have tofu (from when Don and Merlene were here) that I'd like to use before it goes bad, so she planned to make a gluten-free stir fry. When she got here she improvised a peanut butter soy sauce (after checking to make sure the soy sauce was gluten free) and she cooked brown rice, sauteed the tofu, and sauteed chopped up veggies. While she was doing that I sat in the kitchen with her and we each had drinks that were half Riesling and half orange juice and caught up. Jane slept on her coffee table makeshift crib almost that whole time, so cooperatively.

While Sarah was waiting for things to cook she also unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher and just generally looked for other ways to help. She crashed on our (awesome) air mattress for the night and the next day (today) she just stayed around with me while Jack was at work and helped watch Clara while I attended to Jane. I was worried Sarah would think she wasn't doing all that much, but I explained to her that just being around to take things away from Clara (pens, paintbrushes, whatever) and keep an eye on her. Otherwise I'd be getting up and down while holding Jane all day and that gets exhausting. Plus Sarah kept me company and gave me an adult to have interesting conversations with instead of just feeling cooped in the apartment with two tiny girls all day. It really makes a pretty big difference.

It was really nice to get so much one-on-one time with Sarah and catch up with how she's doing at work (trying to get a manuscript published) and with Mark (steady as ever) and everything else.

Later in the day Shannon came over with a bunch of samples of gluten free foods she likes. Each sample included a label of what it was and where she'd bought it. She brought crackers, raisin bread, an English muffin, a hot dog bun, and some cereal. What we did offer to Clara she liked, and I expect she's going to like all of it in the end. Shannon also said she would email me some GF recipes she's liked. It was very sweet for her to make the trip just to help me come up with ideas. And she also was willing and happy to hold Jane or help with Clara.

Shannon's labeled GF samples.

Interestingly, Clara warmed to Shannon almost instantly, which she doesn't normally do with people she hasn't seen in a long time (doesn't remember). We did see Shannon just about two months ago, but I didn't think Clara's memory was that long. It didn't hurt that Shannon tossed Clara in the air a bunch of times, making Clara giggle like crazy. I said something about how Clara is getting heavier and Shannon pointed out that she does the same move with weights much heavier at CrossFit, haha. Clara even gave Shannon a hug before Shannon and Sarah left. It was very sweet.