An Explanation of
SUPER MARIO BROS.
And
DUCK HUNT
David
Copyright David 2001
All Rights Reserved
SUPER MARIO BROS.
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THERE IS A HIGHLY POPULAR VIDEO GAME OUT FOR THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM CALLED SUPER MARIO BROS. IT REVOLUTIONIZED THE VIDEO GAME WORLD BY BEING THE FIRST GAME TO STAR A PLUMBER.
IN SUPER MARIO, THROUGH THE MAGIC OF THE NINTENDO CONTROLLER, YOU TAKE ON THE ROLE OF MARIO.
THE GOAL OF SUPER MARIO BROS IS TO NOT DIE. THE LONGER YOU DON'T DIE, THE MORE POINTS YOU GET. PEOPLE HAVE MADE A GOOD LIVING FOR THEMSELVES BY NOT DYING FOR A LONG TIME. IF YOU DON'T DIE LONG ENOUGH, YOU MAY GET A "HIGH SCORE", WHICH IS ERASED WHEN YOU TURN OFF THE NINTENDO.
THEREFORE YOU MUST WRITE DOWN OR REMEMBER YOUR HIGH SCORES. THE HIGHEST SCORE YOU CAN MAKE UP AND PRETEND TO REMEMBER IS CALLED YOUR "PERSONAL RECORD" OR "PR". HERE IS A LIST OF OTHER THINGS PR MIGHT STAND FOR.
PRISON RECORD
PUERTO RICAN
PICKLE RIDER
PUBLIC RELATIONSHIPS
PANCAKE RACER
PARSON RAKE
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SWAP THEIR HIGH SCORES WITH THEIR FRIENDS. THESE PEOPLE LIVE IN ASYLUMS.
THERE IS, HOWEVER, ANOTHER GOAL TO SUPER MARIO. THIS GOAL IS TO RESCUE THE PRINCESS. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. NO ONE HAS EVER RESCUED THE PRINCESS WITHOUT HELP OF WARP ZONES, REPROGRAMMING, AND STEROIDS.
OTHER THAN THAT, THERE IS NO POINT TO SUPER MARIO. THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN MAKE A NAME FOR YOURSELF IS TO LOCK YOURSELF IN A TINY ROOM WITH ONLY A LIGHT BULB, A TV, A NINTENDO, A CONTROLLER, AND A SIX-PACK OF PEPSI FOR EXACTLY ONE YEAR, AND THEN DIE. THAT WAY YOU WILL BE IN THE NEWS. PEOPLE WILL LAUGH AT YOUR MISFORTUNE, AND YOU WILL BECOME THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE TOWN, WHICH IS WHAT YOU WANTED, RIGHT?
GETTING STARTED
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ONCE UPON A TIME, A LONG, LONG TIME AGO (1987) IN A DISTANT, FARAWAY LAND (JAPAN) A VIDEO GAME PROGRAMMER (LAID-OFF COMPUTER APPLICATION PROGRAMMER) DECIDED TO TAKE THE HERO OF THE FAMOUS ARCADE GAME DONKEY KONG (STUPID MONKEY) AND GIVE HIM A NAME (MARIO) AND HIS OWN VIDEO GAME (MARIO BROS). THIS GAME FAILED. ONE YEAR LATER (7 DOG YEARS) HE PUT MARIO AND HIS DIFFERENTLY-COLORED BROTHER LUIGI IN A GAME FOR THE NINTENDO HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM CALLED SUPER MARIO BROS. THE REASON HE DID THIS WAS BECAUSE NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD PAY A QUARTER FOR EVERY PLAY IN THE ARCADE. YES, IT WAS THAT DIFFICULT.
THIS GAME BECAME THE MOST POPULAR GAME EVER IN THE VIDEO GAMING WORLD BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST GAME TO BE GIVEN AWAY WITH EVERY NINTENDO SET. NOW MORE THAN 100 MILLION HOUSEHOLDS IN AMERICA HAS THIS GAME. ONLY 1 THOUSAND ACTUALLY PLAY IT.
TO PLAY SUPER MARIO BROS, YOU NEED A TV-TYPE THING THAT PLUGS INTO A STANDARD OUTLET THING. THIS TV NEEDS TO BE CONNECTED TO A NINTENDO THING BY MEANS OF TWO AUDIO/VIDEO CABLES, ONE R/F SWITCH CORD, OR DUCT TAPE AND A PIECE OF COAT HANGER. YOU ALSO NEED TO INSERT THE SUPER MARIO BROS GAME INTO THE NINTENDO THING, AND THEN YOU NEED TO PLUG THE CONTROLLER THING INTO THE NINTENDO. NOW YOU ARE READY TO PLAY.
TROUBLESHOOTING.
PROBLEM: MY NINTENDO DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO TURN ON.
SOLUTION: USE A METAL COAT HANGER RATHER THAN THE ECONOMICAL PLASTIC KIND.
P: MARIO DOESN'T SEEM TO OBEY MY CONTROLLER'S COMMANDS.
S: MARIO DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
P: MY VCR IS RUINED.
S: AS OPPOSED TO THE MESSAGE OF IDIOTIC STICKERS PUT ON THE GAME BY MORONIC VIDEO STORE CLERKS, DO NOT "BE KIND AND REWIND" YOUR GAME CARTRIDGE AFTER PLAYING.
P: MARIO IS WALKING OPPOSITE OF THE DIRECTIONAL ARROW I PUSH.
S: YOU ARE HOLDING THE CONTROLLER UPSIDE DOWN.
P: MARIO IS DOING THINGS I DID NOT COMMAND HIM TO.
S: TAKE THE CONTROLLER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
P: I CAN'T GET A HIGH SCORE. DOES THIS MEAN I AM A REJECT OF SOCIETY?
S: YES OR NO. IT DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPENT TRYING TO DO THIS.
P: ONE TIME, WHILE I WAS PLAYING, I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION AND I RAN INTO THE VERY FIRST GOOMBA ON THE VERY FIRST LEVEL.
S: GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
P: THE LIGHT GUN I RECEIVED WITH DUCK HUNT WILL NOT SHOOT ANY CHARACTER ON SUPER MARIO BROS.
S: I KNOW, I'M SORRY.
THE PLOT
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YES, THERE IS A PLOT IN THE GAME OF SUPER MARIO, AND, RATHER THAN EXPLAIN IT MYSELF, I WILL AVOID CRITICISM AND RATHER PRINT THE INSTRUCTION BOOKLET'S VERSION OF THE STORY.
"One day the kingdom of the peaceful mushroom people was invaded by the Koopa, a tribe of turtles famous for their black magic. The quiet, peace-loving Mushroom People were turned into mere stones, bricks, and even field horsehair plants, and the Mushroom Kingdom fell into ruin. The only one who can undo the magic spell on the Mushroom People and return them to their normal selves is the Princess Toadstool, the daughter of the Mushroom King. Unfortunately, she is presently in the hands of the great Koopa turtle king. Mario, the hero of the story (maybe) hears about the Mushroom People's plight and sets out on a quest to free the Mushroom Princess from the evil Koopa and restore the fallen kingdom of the Mushroom People. You are Mario! It's up to you to save the Mushroom People from the black magic of the Koopa!"
THIS PARAGRAPH UNDOUBTEDLY RAISES SOME ALARMING QUESTIONS.
1. IS THE WORD "PLIGHT" USED CORRECTLY?
2. IS A "MERE" STONE LOWER THAN A NORMAL STONE?
3. IS A BRICK BETTER OFF THAN AN UNCUT STONE?
4. WHY IS PRINCESS TOADSTOOL NOT TURNED INTO A HORSEHAIR PLANT?
5. WHAT IS A HORSEHAIR PLANT?
6. WHERE CAN I GET ONE?
AS YOU CAN SEE, THE SITUATION IS QUITE DIRE. FORTUNATELY YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE PRINCESS. YOU WILL NEVER REACH HER.
THE GAME TAKES PLACE ON A FIELD THAT STARTS ON SCREEN ONE AND EXTENDS TO THE RIGHT FOREVER. AT CERTAIN INTERVALS THERE IS A DIVERSION, SUCH AS A CASTLE, OR AN OCEAN, BUT MARIO IS ALWAYS GOING TO THE RIGHT. YOU CANNOT GO TO THE LEFT. IT IS MY BELIEF THAT NOT ONLY IS THE GAME BIASED TO FAVOR RIGHT-HANDED PEOPLE, IT IS ALMOST CERTAIN THAT THE PRINCESS IS ONE SCREEN TO THE LEFT OF THE VERY FIRST SCREEN OF THE GAME.
MARIO MUST ENDURE TRIAL AFTER TRIAL OF ENEMY AND OBSTACLE ALIKE ON HIS QUEST TO GET THE HIGH SCORE.
THERE ARE SEVERAL TYPES OF ENEMIES:
1. THE LITTLE GOOMBA. THIS IS AN EVIL MUSHROOM THAT REFUSED TO TURN INTO A MERE STONE. YOU CAN TELL IT IS EVIL BECAUSE ITS EYEBROWS ARE ALWAYS LOWERED, EVEN WHEN IT IS SURPRISED BY ONE OF MARIO'S FIREBALLS. IF THIS ISN'T DEVOTION, WHAT IS?
2. THE KOOPA TROOPA. THIS NAME IS TOO CUTE FOR SUCH A DEADLY ENEMY. IT IS A SMALL GREEN TURTLE. WHEN STOMPED ON, IT HIDES IN ITS SHELL UNTIL IT DECIDES TO POP BACK OUT AND KILL YOU. THIS TURTLE IS SO DEVOTED IT WILL MARCH RIGHT OFF A CLIFF RATHER THAN TRY TO JUMP IT OR TURN AROUND.
3. THE RED KOOPA TROOPA. THIS IS ALMOST THE SAME AS THE GREEN ONE. THE INSTRUCTIONS SAY ABOUT THIS KOOPA: "This turtle is chicken! Very timid, he gets scared easily and runs back and forth a lot." THIS IS A LIE. HE IS JUST LIKE THE GREEN TURTLE, ONLY HE TURNS AROUND WHEN HE GETS TO A CLIFF. THIS TURTLE IS ACTUALLY SMARTER THAN THE GREEN ONE. IT'S JUST THAT THOSE JAPANESE INSTRUCTION BOOK WRITERS LIKE TO TRICK YOU FOOLISH AMERICAN TEENAGERS.
4. THE KOOPA PARATROOPA. THIS IS THE COOLEST IDEA EVER. IT IS A TURTLE WITH WINGS. IF WE COULD ENLIST THESE THINGS IN THE ARMY WE WOULD NEVER LOSE A BATTLE EVER AGAIN.
5. THE BUZZY BEETLE. THIS IS LIKE A TURTLE, ONLY BLACK, AND FIREBALLS DON'T AFFECT IT. ROY K. OF NEW HAMPSHIRE HAS BEEN PERSONALLY AFFECTED BY THIS BUG. HE IS A PEST CONTROL AGENT THAT HAS USED THE FIRE TECHNIQUE FOR OVER FIFTEEN YEARS. EVER SINCE HE PLAYED SUPER MARIO HE HAS CROUCHED IN A CORNER, MUMBLING THINGS TO HIMSELF ABOUT THE JAPANESE. THE KOOPA CLAN HAS STRUCK TERROR EVEN IN THE HEART OF NEW HAMPSHIRE.
6. THE HAMMER BROTHERS. THIS IS WHAT SUPER MARIO SHOULD HAVE BEEN. THESE TURTLES WHIP HAMMERS AT YOU AT THE RATE THAT A KID POPS BUBBLE WRAP. THEY ARE EASY TO KILL WITH FIREBALLS, BUT IF ONE HAS A BUZZY BEETLE FOR A PET IT WOULD BE ADVISABLE TO PRAY.
7. THE LAKITU. THIS THING RIDES A CLOUD. THE CLOUD HAS A SMILEY FACE ON IT. AT THE SIGHT OF THIS THE SERIOUS MARIO PLAYER BEGINS TO REALIZE THAT "IT MIGHT BE JUST A GAME".
8. THE SPINY. THIS IS LIKE A RED TURTLE WITH SPIKES GROWING OUT OF ITS BACK. YOU CAN'T JUMP ON IT UNLESS YOU LIKE THE "MARIO LOSES" MUSIC.
9. BULLET BILL. A BULLET WITH A SMILEY FACE ON IT. IF I WAS EVER SHOT AT WITH ONE OF THESE, I WOULD PROBABLY DIE COMFORTABLY KNOWING THAT THE BULLET THAT SHOT ME WAS HAPPY.
10. BOWSER, KING OF THE KOOPAS. HE WAS NAMED AFTER THE PROGRAMMER'S DOG, AND IS JUST AS MEAN. HE IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT WITHOUT FIREPOWER. IF YOU DO BEAT HIM YOU GET TO RESCUE A MUSHROOM THAT STATES "I'm sorry, but our Princess is in another castle." THIS MUSHROOM IS THE REAL VILLAIN AND MUST BE SHOT.
ANYONE WISHING TO DONATE TO THE "HELP ROY K. GET BACK ON HIS FEET" ORGANIZATION CAN MAIL MONEY TO ME.
ODDITIES
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MARIO IS A VERY UNIQUE CHARACTER. THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HE CAN DO THAT JUST CAN'T BE EXPLAINED IN NATURE.
FIRST, HE JUMPS THREE TIMES HIS HEIGHT. IF SOMEONE DID THIS IN REAL LIFE THEY WOULD WIN EVERY SINGLE SPORTING EVENT KNOWN TO MAN, EVEN POLO. SOME SAY THAT THE AIR PRESSURE OF THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM IS DIFFERENT THAN OUR OWN, AND CAUSES THIS TO HAPPEN. THESE PEOPLE ARE CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED.
THE SECOND THING MARIO CAN DO IS DROP DOWN GIGANTIC PIPES HUNDREDS OF FEET DEEP AND NOT DIE. THIS COULD BE EXPLAINED BY THE AIR PRESSURE THEORY, BUT IN FACT IT IS BECAUSE THE WHOLE WORLD OF MARIO IS UPSIDE-DOWN AND HE IS ACTUALLY FALLING UP.
THE THIRD THING IS HOW HE FITS ALL THOSE COINS AS BIG AS HIMSELF IN HIS POCKETS.
THE FOURTH IS HOW HE CREATES FIREBALLS FROM NOTHING AFTER CONSUMING A FLOWER. THIS IS BECAUSE THE FLOWER IS SPICY, AND BECAUSE WHEN ANYTHING EXPLODES INSIDE SOMETHING ELSE, THE FIRE WILL ESCAPE OUT OF THE WEAKEST PART OF THE THING. THE NEXT QUESTION PEOPLE HAVE IS WHY DOES THE FIRE COME OUT OF MARIO'S PALMS AND NOT HIS BRAIN.
NEXT, HOW COME SOME PIPES HAVE PIRANHA PLANTS IN THEM, BUT WHEN THEY ARE ELIMINATED IT IS POSSIBLE TO SLIDE DOWN THE PIPE FOR ABOUT A HUNDRED FEET? WHERE DOES ALL THE SOIL HOLDING THE PLANT GO? SOME PEOPLE HAVE REASONED THAT THE PLANT HEAD SIMPLY FLOATS IN THE PIPE. IF THIS WERE TRUE, THE PLANT WOULD NOT STAY IN THE PIPE. IT WOULD BE OUT FLYING AROUND AND EATING GOOMBAS.
ANOTHER QUESTION IS HOW MARIO KNOWS WHAT SIGNALS ARE COMING TO HIM FROM THE CONTROLLER. THIS IS SIMPLE. THE CONTROLLER ACTUALLY SENDS DIRECT MICROWAVE BEAMS TO A SATELLITE POSITIONED AT THE EXACT VERTEX OF THE PARABOLA BETWEEN MARIO AND THE PLAYER. THIS BEAM, DEPENDING ON THE FREQUENCY AND PITCH, WILL TELL HIM WHETHER TO MOVE RIGHT, CROUCH, OR SHOOT A FIREBALL. THIS ACTION IS RECORDED BY A CAMERA HIDDEN BY A BUZZY BEETLE SOMEWHERE IN THE VICINITY. THIS FOOTAGE IS SENT VIA AN OPPOSITE PARABOLA TO A DIFFERENT SATELLITE TO BE TRANSPORTED TO YOUR TV. OF COURSE, ALL THIS TAKES TIME, SO THE CONTROLLER MICROWAVE IS SENT THREE MINUTES INTO THE FUTURE BY MEANS OF THE QUANTUM MECHANICS RUNNING THE SATELLITE. THIS BEAM REACHES MARIO IN ONE AND A HALF MINUTES, AND THE RECORDING IS SENT BACK ONE AND A HALF MINUTES LATER. THIS MAKES IT SEEM LIKE THE CONTROLS ARE INSTANT. HOWEVER, THIS ALSO MEANS THAT IF MARIO DIES HE ACTUALLY DIES THREE MINUTES BEFORE YOU SEE HIM DIE. THIS, MANY SCHOLARS CLAIM, MAY PROVE THE THEORY OF ELEC TRONIC PREDETERMINATION. OTHERS CLAIM THAT IF SOMETHING IS GOING THE SPEED OF LIGHT, THEN IT WOULD GAIN MASS SO FAST THAT IT WOULD NO LONGER BE GOING THE SPEED OF LIGHT. THIS ENTIRE PROCESS HAS BEEN COMPACTED INTO THE SMALL, SIMPLE CONTROLLER. THE NEXT QUESTION PEOPLE ASK IS WHY THIS TECHNOLOGY IS USED FOR VIDEO GAMES RATHER THAN REAL LIFE. LET ME ASK YOU THIS: HAS THE DEVIL GOT ONE OF THESE CONTROLLERS?
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
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Q. IS USING A WARP ZONE CONSIDERED CHEATING?
A. YES.
Q. I LOVE THE MARIO THEME SONG. WHERE CAN I BUY IT ON TAPE?
A. YOU CAN'T.
Q. I JUST DOWNLOADED THE SONG OFF THE INTERNET. IS THIS LEGAL?
A. NO. DESTROY YOUR COMPUTER.
Q. I HEARD THAT THERE IS A SECRET "MINUS WORLD" IN SUPER MARIO. IS THIS TRUE?
A. YES. IT IS IN THE SECOND LEVEL OF THE GAME. RIGHT BEFORE YOU GET TO THE END OF THE LEVEL, THERE IS A PIPE THAT TAKES YOU BACK ABOVE GROUND. IF YOU TIME A JUMP CORRECTLY, YOU CAN JUMP THROUGH THE WALL ABOVE THE PIPE AND END UP IN THE WARP ZONE ROOM. IF YOU GO DOWN ONE OF THE PIPES BEFORE THE NUMBERS APPEAR, YOU WILL BE SENT TO A STRANGE UNDERWATER LEVEL LABELED "-1" WHICH NEVER ENDS UNTIL YOU GO MAD AND KILL MARIO YOURSELF.
Q. HOW IS THE MINUS WORLD POSSIBLE? WOULDN'T IT BE UNSTABLE?
A. THE MINUS WORLD CAME ABOUT WHEN SOMEONE DISCOVERED AN ERROR IN THE GAME'S CODING. THE PROGRAMMER DENIES THAT IT IS THERE.
Q. WHAT WAS THE ERROR?
A. THE PROGRAMMER DIVIDED BY ZERO.
Q. SO WHAT?
A. ONE TIME GOD DIVIDED BY ZERO. AT THAT POINT IN SPACE A BLACK HOLE APPEARED AND ABSORBED HALF THE GALAXY OF ANDROMEDA.
Q. EXPLAIN THIS.
A. WHEN YOU DIVIDE BY ANYTHING, YOU ARE REALLY MULTIPLYING BY THE INVERSE OFTHAT NUMBER. ZERO'S INVERSE IS EVERY NUMBER POSSIBLE, DIVIDED BY ZERO AGAIN. AND, BECAUSE OF THIS, ALL THOSE NUMBERS ARE MULTIPLIED BY THAT ZERO, MEANINGTHEY BRANCH OUT INTO EVERY NUMBER AGAIN. WHEN ISAAC NEWTON DIVIDED BY ZERO, THE APPLE HE HELD EXPLODED. WHEN ABRAHAM LINCOLN DIVIDED BY ZERO THE CIVIL WAR BEGAN. WHEN MOSES DIVIDED BY ZERO GOD NOTICED AND QUICKLY SPLIT THE RED SEA IN ORDER TO AVOID THE CONSEQUENCES. WHEN I DIVIDED BY ZERO I GOT KICKED OUT OF ALGEBRA. SO DON'T DO IT.
Q. I HEARD THAT THE SEQUEL TO SUPER MARIO WAS NEVER RELEASED IN AMERICA. INSTEAD, THE GAME "DOKI DOKI PANIC" WAS CHANGED TO INCORPORATE MARIO CHARACTERS AND WAS RELEASED IN AMERICA AS SUPER MARIO BROS 2. WHY IS THIS?
A. BECAUSE THERE ARE FLYING OCTOPI IN THE ORIGINAL MARIO 2 AND THE PROGRAMMERS THOUGHT IT WAS BEST TO KEEP THEIR JAPANESE HUMOR OUT OF THE STATES.
Q. IF THE ROCKS ARE MUSHROOM PEOPLE, HOW COME MARIO STEPS ON THEM CONSTANTLY?
A. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT AS FRAGILE AS HORSEHAIR PLANTS.
DUCK HUNT
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DUCK HUNT, A GAME INCLUDED IN THE MARIO BROS. CARTRIDGE, IS A FUN GAME IN WHICH YOU SHOOT DUCKS AND DOGS. ONLY THE DUCKS CAN BE SHOT SUCCESSFULLY.
THE WAY YOU DO THIS IS WITH THE LIGHT GUN, A PLASTIC TOY THAT COMES WITH THE GAME. WHENEVER THE TRIGGER IS PULLED, A PICTURE IS TAKEN OF THE SCREEN. IF THIS PICTURE MATCHES THE PICTURE OF A DUCK THAT THE NINTENDO HAS STORED IN ITSELF, IT IS REGISTERED AS A HIT AND YOU GET THE CORRECT NUMBER OF POINTS.
THE GOAL OF DUCK HUNT IS THE SAME AS MARIO: TO GET THE HIGH SCORE. HOWEVER, DUCK HUNT IS MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN SUPER MARIO IN THAT THEY ELIMINATED THE UNATTAINABLE GOAL OF RESCUING THE PRINCESS.
THE ORIGINAL LIGHT GUN, BEING COLORED GRAY, IS A VERY VERSATILE WEAPON. IT CAN BE USED TO SCARE NEIGHBORS.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE GOVERNMENT PUT AN END TO THAT, AND FORCED NINTENDO TO START MAKING A NEW LIGHT GUN, THIS ONE BRIGHT ORANGE. IT LOOKS LIKE A TOY AND WILL NOT SCARE A FIVE YEAR OLD.
I MYSELF WAS SCARED WITLESS BY THE GRAY GUN, BUT I FELT NO HARM IN AIMING THE ORANGE GUN IN MY LEFT EYE AND PULLING THE TRIGGER SEVERAL TIMES. THESE SHOTS DID NOT REGISTER AS HITS ON THE GAME. I AM NOW PARTIALLY COLOR BLIND IN THAT EYE AND NO LONGER EXPERIENCE JOY WHEN WATCHING RAINBOWS.
THERE ARE THREE MAIN COMPLAINTS ABOUT DUCK HUNT.
1. YOU CANNOT SHOOT THE DOG. THIS HAS DISAPPOINTED EVEN THE MOST HUMBLE AND LEAST MORBID OF US.
2. THE DUCKS AREN'T REALISTIC. THIS IS TRUE. NO DUCK I EVER SAW CHANGED DIRECTIONS ONCE A SECOND.
3. THE GAME IS TOO EASY. THIS CAN BE REMEDIED BY BACKING UP AND USING THE GUN MORE THAN TWO INCHES AWAY FROM THE SCREEN.
OTHER THAN THAT, DUCK HUNT IS A VERY ENJOYABLE GAME. THE PROGRAMMERS EVEN PUT IN A FUN DIVERSION SKEET SHOOT GAME IN WHICH THE "SKEETS" (DINNER PLATES) GRADUALLY GROW SMALLER AND IMPOSSIBLE TO SHOOT. THIS IS TO IMITATE REAL LIFE, IN WHICH SKEETS ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO SHOOT AT ANY RANGE. YOU COULD PUT ONE RIGHT UNDER YOUR GUN AND STILL MISS THE SKEET AND SHOOT YOUR HAND.
NINTENDO DENIES THE RESPONSIBILITY IF YOU SHOOT YOUR HAND AND WILL NOT PAY YOU MONEY. I ON THE OTHER HAND AM DIFFERENT. I WILL LAUGH AT YOU FOR FREE.
IN THE NORMAL DUCK HUNT GAME, A DOG JUMPS INTO A FIELD WITH A FRIENDLY LAUGH AND SCARES UP ONE DUCK AT A TIME. THIS DUCK QUACKS WITH EVERY TWO BEATS OF ITS WINGS AND EVENTUALLY FLIES AWAY BEFORE YOU CAN SHOOT IT. THEN THE DOG LAUGHS AT YOU FOR MISSING IT. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE COMPLAIN THAT YOU CANNOT SHOOT THE DOG.
THE DOG IS ALSO SO FAT THAT IT CANNOT CATCH DUCKS ON ITS OWN. THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE THE GUN TO BEGIN WITH.
CREDITS
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THE AUTHOR OF THIS HUMOR BOOKLET, WHO LIKES TO REFER TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, WOULD LIKE TO THANK NINTENDO FOR MAKING THIS POSSIBLE. HE WOULD ALSO LIKE TO THANK HIS FRIEND SHELDON FOR BUYING THE BOOK THAT INSPIRED THE AUTHOR TO WRITE THIS. SHELDON IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE FOR AUTOGRAPHS.
A NOTE ON WARP ZONES
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WARP ZONES ARE EVIL. THE MAN WHO INVENTED THEM ONLY WANTED TO SAVE THE PRINCESS. THANKFULLY, THOUGH, HE REALIZED HE COULD NEVER SAVE THE PRINCESS. SHE ALWAYS SENT HIM ON ANOTHER QUEST WHILE SHE ALLOWED HERSELF TO BE KIDNAPPED AGAIN. AND SO THE CIRCLE OF LIFE IS COMPLETED.
