Grandpa passed away tonight, on his 62nd wedding anniversary.
In 2011, I was really unhappy with where I was in life and was struggling on a daily basis to not get depressed. That August, Grandpa emailed me a Catholic Exchange article about a man who was discontented with his life but managed to adjust his perspective by starting a joy inventory. I decided to give it a try, and that’s how my own joy inventory began.
Since then I have added almost 900 photos to my joy inventory, created a blog to catalogue happy memories, and also made the Joy Inventory into a FB page to share with others. I love to inventory my joys when I am having a particularly good day or week, but I have also often done it as a sort of meditation when I am upset, and it usually helps. I couldn’t quantify how much the Joy Inventory idea has amplified my happy moments and eased my frustrated or sad times. I credit Grandpa with giving me this incredibly cathartic tool.
In honor of his gift to me, and in defiance of the heartbreak his passing gives me, I am listing 83 joys for the 83 years he spent here:
1. When I was maybe 12, I had to go to court to wait and see if I was called to testify during some proceeding involving my parents’ divorce. It was a very difficult time. Both my parents were in the court room, and I was waiting outside in the hallway. Grandpa was with me. We leaned against a railing staring out the windows at the street below. After a while he broke the silence, but not to talk about what was going on or what was about to happen. Instead Grandpa gave me a compliment that filled me with pride and hope. My family had only moved to Missouri in the last year or so, so I didn’t have a lot of memories with Grandpa prior to this, and I think this moment really defined my relationship with him from then on.
2. I can talk to Jack about anything at all, unfiltered.
3. Clara is increasingly mimicking the names of colors and numbers. We practice every day and she seems to love it.
4. In the colder months I have a warm place to live and specifically I can keep my child warm.
5. I have family members who will enter bets with me to keep me motivated to reach my goals (usually calorie-related).
6. Speaking of which, I have done much better this pregnancy than last pregnancy as far as maintaining my weight.
7. Clara is a very cuddly toddler.
8. Jack and I still go on dates at least twice a month. Dates have always been an enjoyable part of our relationship, but given how busy we both are now they are more important than ever, ensuring we have at least some time to focus on one another.
9. I love when Jack and I go to the movies for a date and we first enter the lobby and the smell of popcorn is everywhere.
10. I also love when we go out to eat and I happen to be so thirsty and the server brings that ice cold bubbly Diet Coke.
11. Over Christmas, Eddie introduced us to Quiplash, a low maintenance hilarious game that added a lot of laughter to our trip.
12. Playing Quiplash really highlighted what a shared sense of humor I have with Jack, which was endearing.
13. My mom and stepmom get along and like each other.
14. My mother- and father-in-law are supportive and kind and I get along well with them.
15. My pregnancy with Jane has been relatively smooth (as pregnancies go) and had no complications so far. She moves and kicks all the time and it brightens my days.
16. I love Starbucks’ chai lattes and hot chocolates and caramel butter popcorn mixes.
17. I am very comfortable at my local Starbucks because I have spent so much time there. I can be there for hours getting work done peacefully. Many of the baristas know and recognize me, which makes it feel that much more welcoming.
18. And every year on my birthday I get a free Starbucks drink. Given I’m there all the time this might sound small, but I look forward to it every time.
19. I can support my family financially while still keeping an incredibly flexible schedule, which I love. Most of the time I can set my own work hours wherever they fit in with everything else.
20. I’m so grateful for the part of my social life that is online, because it ensures me daily interaction with many of the people I care about even though so many of them live far away and our lives are hectic.
21. The People of Tumblr FB page has helped me laugh and wind down countless times in the last year. It’s where I get probably 80% of the photos I post to my “amuse me” FB albums.
22. I trust my husband completely to be faithful and honest.
23. You know when you first get in your car when it’s been raining and your windshield is covered in countless separate droplets and then you turn on the windshield wipers and they wipe all the drops together and the rainwater runs down the windshield in a stream? There’s something about that I find *so* satisfying.
24. For years Grandpa and I wrote each other letters, and while it was always fun to get an actual letter in the mail, it means even more to me now because I have those letters as keepsakes.
25. I have so been enjoying our free 6 month trial of Amazon Prime. It’s amazing.
26. Craigslist lets me get a little cash for things I can’t use anymore while knowing I helped a fellow thrifter get something they wanted for cheap.
27. I like when the flight takes off or lands and you’re at the in-between elevation where you can see details like cars stopping at streetlights but you’re high enough to see a whole lot of it.
28. Flying at the same elevation as a (distant) thunderstorm is mesmerizingly beautiful.
29. Watching a thunderstorm roll in on a Midwestern summer afternoon is pretty great too.
30. North of the Golden Gate Bridge is Mt. Tamalpais, and there is a specific spot on Mt. Tam where my family has many times sat and watched the sunset over the ocean. That would be beautiful in any case, but the history of it also makes it poignant and nostalgic.
31. Chocolate is great in general, but this joy is dedicated especially to Symphony bars with toffee chips, chocolate fudgy cookie bars (family recipe), and Cocoa Pebbles. Give them to me.
32. I love the character of the demon Crowley in the book Good Omens. Lacking better options, he was going to try to fight the anti-Christ with a tire iron.
33. The show Supernatural has some particularly clever and funny individual episode plots that Jack and I have enjoyed watching together, some more than once.
34. In Old Town St. Charles (MO) there is a tiny, cozy coffee shop called Picasso’s where I have many good memories of mocha’s and tomato soup and good talks with Julie about men and children and the future.
35. One time I also went there one-on-one with Grandpa. It was on Christmas Eve, and we got hot chocolates and watched some kind of Santa parade go down the street. Given how large our family is and how infrequently I’m even in Missouri, I particularly cherish the rare memories where I got to visit with Grandpa one-on-one.
36. Similarly, one time a couple years ago he and I went biking, just the two of us, and spent the afternoon together. I really enjoyed that too.
37. When I visit MO I usually get lunch with my Aunt Linda at Panera BreadCo, which nearly always involves a Frontega chicken sandwich and hours of stream-of-conscious conversation. It’s a years-long tradition that means a lot to me.
38. “Oh Darling” is my favorite Beatles song.
39. I love sharing parental joy with Jack as Clara learns to do new things. “Did you see that? Did you hear that?”
40. Sometimes Jack tries to make up song lyrics, and his versions not only do not rhyme, they aren’t even the right number of syllables. Cracks me up every time.
41. Clara has a wonderful nanny who is sweet and attentive and affordable.
42. I love what a generous gift giver my mom is. She delights in finding the perfect gifts for people and in giving small gifts even just for no reason. She even loves wrapping them (and is particularly good at it). It’s a joy to watch even when I’m not the recipient, haha.
43. I so enjoy when people make FB statuses about the cute conversations they have with their young children or funny conversations they have with their significant others.
44. Being on FB for about a decade means I have years-long friendships with people all over the country. It rarely comes up, but every now and then I’m in some other part of the country and I already have a friend or two there! It’s the future!
45. There have also been a few times when I am having a hard day and I ask my friends list to give me some of their joys for the day, and then I get to read cheering comments for hours and it really helps. I know social media isn’t for everyone, but it’s been a big plus in my life.
46. I have a tremendous amount of support in my life. If I’m ever having a particularly difficult time, I have many friends and family I can call on for encouragement and advice. I also have several friends and family that are very ready with all kinds of logistical support; in recent memory they’ve helped me with problems with cars, taxes, child-rearing, and who knows what else. And in an emergency, I know both mine and Jack’s parents would do what they could to help us. I know not everyone has that kind of network, and I feel very lucky.
47. I get such deep satisfaction out of anecdotes in which someone conveys what he or she thinks in a direct manner right in the moment it needs to be said. I only know a handful of people who consistently do this, and to my delight, my husband is one of those people.
48. I love it when I’m making chocolate fudgy cookie bars and I’ve just put them in the oven and I get to eat the remaining chocolate fudgy topping out of the melting pot.
49. When I’m calorie counting (which is frequent during pregnancy), Jack and I often go on lunch dates to the Cheesecake Factory because they have a low-calorie flatbread I really like that is pretty inexpensive. We go in the afternoon when they aren’t busy and walk right to the bar to sit and eat (no wait). The bartender is usually a woman a bit younger than us, and she recognizes us and gets us Diet Cokes. It’s just a nice bonus touch that she remembers us and always seems happy to see us.
50. It reminds me of how Jack and I use to go to a relatively inexpensive sushi buffet in Berkeley, and when we walked in the chef recognized us and automatically started making extra California rolls since Jack loves California rolls. Jack and I have a lot of good date memories.
<351. We bought a microfiber blanket to keep in the car for Clara for chilly days. It’s a zebra pattern but instead of white stripes they are the colors of the rainbow. It’s the softest blanket we own and she likes to bunch it all up and shove her face in it.
52. This might seem a bit backwards for a joy list, but venting to Ellen is so gratifying. She just gets so very pissed on my behalf, and there’s something about her reflecting my feelings that I find very soothing.
53. I love the scent when someone first opens a bottle of wine, especially red wine. Despite having had plenty of wine since then, to this day the scent reminds me of my trip to Switzerland when I was 18 and the many wonderful memories I made there.
54. On the weekends I can let Clara sleep in and when she wakes up we can sit in the rocking chair in the nursery and cuddle as long as she wants.
55. When you enter a crowded parking lot and someone is leaving their spot near the front just as you’re pulling up. Aw yeah.
56. When I have to focus on my work but also need to drown out the noise around me, The Piano Guys are the go-to group. No distracting lyrics and beautiful music.
57. Every time my family eats all of some kind of perishable food before it rots and has to be thrown away, I feel a small sense of victory.
58. Julie has a giver’s heart. She devotes a lot of her energy and resources to helping other people. I don’t pretend I will likely ever be as other-centered as she is, but having her in my life helps keep pulling me in that direction. As one small example, if it weren’t for Julie I wouldn’t have known I can save and donate my extra breast milk to mamas who need it.
59. I love the story of how Jack and I started dating, became a couple, and finally got married. He has had so much confidence, patience, and enthusiasm, and looking back on it makes me feel so lucky and loved.
60. There’s always a few caramel apple pops in a given bag that have a disproportionate amount of caramel. Bonus caramel.
61. The other day the weather was just warm enough to keep the front door open while I was working. Even though it was overcast it was great to enjoy the natural light and breeze pouring in.
62. I intern at a crime lab and the DNA unit supervisor is delightful, not least of all because she laughs really easily and makes me feel very funny and entertaining.
63. I also work for an equity research company and every once in a while they need custom graphics for their reports. I really enjoy using Photoshop or even just Power Point to make a very specific graphic that they then like and end up publishing.
64. Every once in a while one of my friends on the other side of the political spectrum will tell me they are glad to have my perspective in their newsfeed. I find that so encouraging both for me personally and for the country in general. Maybe we can find common ground.
65. On a similar note, Neil and his girlfriend Emily debate regularly without getting hostile. They explore each other’s’ views in a sincere and non-defensive way, and this continual conversation encourages Neil to do more research and educate himself. I find that inspiring.
66. There’s something magical about the maternity clothes that make me feel adorable instead of just gigantic.
67. I love swing dancing (no matter how ineptly). Grandma and Grandpa were the first ones to teach me any real dance moves, probably about 10 years ago with my then-boyfriend in their living room. It was a lot of fun and I’ve enjoyed it ever since.
68. I really love the very brief, tangential scene in My Best Friend’s Wedding when Paul Giamatti shows up and comforts a total stranger (Julia Roberts) by telling her “You know, my grandmother always used to say ‘This too shall pass.’”
69. Once during my first job (a hostess) I had a terrible day at work. On the drive home I stopped by my friend John Koenig’s house—it was one of those places where friends just showed up and walked in randomly. I walked in and sat dejectedly in the living room where he was watching TV and I said something about how I’d had a terrible day. He immediately jumped up and left the room. I wasn’t sure what to make of that, and as I hesitated he came back with his jacket and keys and said “Come on, I’m taking you to dinner.” Then he took me out and while we ate we played slap jack, and I laughed very hard and felt incredibly cheered up. The whole experience was so remarkably kind and unexpected that to this day when I think of him that is the first memory that comes to mind.
70. There have been multiple times Everett and I have gone, just the two of us, to smoke cheap flavored cigars on the bridge overlooking the creek behind the house where we lived as kids. We just stand there in the dark and talk for a long time. I love that tradition.
71. I still really love the scene in Forrest Gump where Jenny’s boyfriend smacks her and Forrest completely loses it and beats the crap out of him.
72. My dad is the best person I know for making me feel not only prepared but even eager to meet struggles head on and conquer demons. Neil once said that Dad did not give us tools for life so much as weapons, and I think the confidence and determination he has infused in me has benefited me hugely over the years.
73. There are several spots in town where two lane roads turn onto three lane roads and then after a block or two the third lane merges so it’s a two lane road again. I guess for that reason very few cars bother to get in the third lane at all, so I can quickly and legally take advantage of the empty lane, pass a bunch of traffic, and merge back in way ahead.
#winning74. Even though I don’t really wear perfume, I still love the smell of Clinique Happy.
75. I love libraries, whether it’s massive university libraries with multi-story windows or smaller town libraries with play areas for little kids—doesn’t matter. They are all so peaceful and literally filled with great stories.
76. One time I went to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 in theaters with Neil and Renata and Kaisen, and when the strawberry gave his stirring incomprehensible speech I laughed so hard I cried. That may be the hardest I’ve ever laughed in theaters; it was great.
77. The other day I was having a pretty hard time processing Grandpa passing away, so Jack took me out to lunch. That seems like a small simple gesture but it really did help, and I wouldn’t have thought to suggest it myself. We talked about nursing and DNA analysis and politics and it was just nice to think about other topics for a while. He makes me feel very loved.
78. Grandpa lived a long and good life.
79. He lived independently all the way until basically late last year.
80. He spent his remaining days in his own home, which he told me repeatedly is where he liked to be. Grandma and Grandpa’s home is very cozy.
81. He spent his remaining days surrounded by people who love him. For weeks and months leading to this, nearly every single day people came over to help and to visit.
82. He was at peace with his situation. He looked forward to meeting God and loved ones that have passed before him. I’m told he was even still making corny jokes all the way until the end.
83. My relationship with him was a good one. I respected, admired, and loved him, and he told me many times how much he loved me.
