3.22.15 - Cuddling

Just sat up with little miss because she was still crying about 15 minutes after Jack got her down. Just sat in the dark nursery, only the night light on, and fed her and held her up for awhile and burped her. But first thing was calming her down. It is so sweet how she can be full-throated screaming in her crib but within seconds is calm and cooing if I’m just holding her against my chest. I love cuddling with her. When I first paused outside the nursery door I thought maybe she had stopped crying already, and I was almost disappointed. If she had already stopped crying I would just go back to bed, and while sleep is precious now, so is getting a chance to cuddle with my love. I realized I wanted to cuddle whether she needed it or not, so we must both really enjoy it.

Taken the other day, when Clara fell asleep in my lap after breastfeeding.

 Anyway she did keep crying so I went in and picked her up and calmed her before feeding her some more. For awhile I just had her propped upright against my legs, with my feet resting on the ottoman, and she just laid there quietly, but eyes open, very calm. I just looked at her adorable face, her chubby little cheeks and resolute mouth and fuzzy head, and thought about how decades from now I may be just like Mom, super grateful to have a grandchild that looks like my little Clara so I can relive these baby moments. But I don’t need to feel nostalgic about it yet, because I’m living it now. I still have my little Clara right now and will for the next couple months (until she isn’t so little anymore), so I want to try to soak in this fleeting phase, even during middle-of-the-night sessions.

I also wondered what it was like for Mom to take care of baby me, and wondered at how bizarre it is that it’s as if I am taking care of baby me right now—at least that’s what Mom and others tell me: that Clara looks tremendously like I did as a baby. Of course I don’t really remember how I looked then.

While Clara sat upright digesting, I let my eyes wander around the nursery and think about Harry Potter and try to imagine what the nursery will seem like to a little child who has never known a different room. Which of the objects in the nursery now will stay with her for years, maybe even into adulthood? Which objects will she treasure as ones she has had her entire life, the way I treasure Marcy and Pink Panther? The Hobbes doll? Will she read Calvin and Hobbes? We do have the entire collection now, thanks to Tom. What about the Hogwarts Acceptance letter? When she gets old enough to read, will she be into Harry Potter and thus excited about the letter? What about the Gryffindor scarf? She sure is attracted to it now; it’d be cute if it stayed that way.

Eventually I burped her (or tried, didn’t get any big satisfying burps, just little attempts) and walked her around the nursery for awhile, and then laid her down. That was about 10 minutes ago and to my surprise she hasn’t cried yet. Usually she cries 5-15 minutes before falling asleep. Guess I got lucky. Such a little love.