And again and again...

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

5.17.09 - OMG Harry Potter!!!

When I hear the Harry Potter Theme I think of Christmas. Also today I came across a poster for the 6th Harry Potter movie and got very, very excited. July 15th!

My tongue is burnt from a chai tea latte, but it was worth it.

I took a night class this semester. History of Immigration. Instead of a final exam we had a paper to write. She gave us over a month and a half to do the assignment. I threw it together in about 4 days, mostly the last 2. I got an A on the paper. This is not a reflection of my writing ability so much as the lameness of the class.

I'm starting to think about playlists for the road trip I intend to take this summer. What this really means is that I repeatedly listen to "Parachute" by Guster. The song reminds me of some vivid, good memories of L'abri, and makes me feel elated and nostalgic simultaneously. Thinking about L'abri extensively usually does that to me.

I've gotten an average of less than 5 hours of sleep every night for about a week now. The combination of working for Starbucks and dating a night owl will do that to you, I suppose.

I am very grateful to belong to the family I'm in. It is impossible for me to feel too terribly alienated, because I have four siblings that understand me pretty well. If I ever have kids I want to have a lot of them so they can experience that same camaraderie.

Guiltless Banana Split

One Skinny Cow Fudge Bar removed form its Popsicle stick

One banana

Sugar-free chocolate syrup

Sugar-free strawberry preserves (or fresh strawberries themselves)

Fat-free whipped cream

Voila! A banana split that is somewhere between 200-250 calories. I just enjoyed it thoroughly.

Oh yeah? Try these.

Try to guess the movie quotes without looking them up. If I tagged you I know for certain you've seen at least one, though probably more, of the movies in the list. Everett can't guess because he helped me make half of it.

1) Then what is it?
It's an evil fucking room. ~ 1408, Neil

2) Okay, lied about the "grande"... ~ What Women Want, Sarah W 

3) I mean, she's like your sister!
Thank you for adding new depth to my confusion. ~ Keeping The Faith, Cody

4) I'm talking about the gas chamber, and you haven't even asked me what this is about--You've got a big "Guilty" sign around your neck. ~ LA Confidential, Mom (Jan)

5) He doesn't have a passport.
For the last six months he's gone to Harvard and Berkeley. I'm betting he can get a passport. ~ Catch Me If You Can, Dave 

6) You, get up there and drive!
But I'm shot, Colonel!
Everybody's shot! We need the prisoners, let's go! ~ Black Hawk Down, Trevor

7) Yeah, Ma...I won't be home for supper. ~ The Departed, Neil 

8) You killed the only family I ever loved. Why?
Business. It's all it ever is, business. I was working for Fallon at the time. Your father was supposed to throw a fight. And your girl... was in the wrong family at the wrong time. ~ Daredevil, Cody

9) Joe, did you come all this way just to talk about the weather?
Hey, maybe I was in the neighborhood! Maybe I wanted some fresh air!
Joe, this is New Jersey.
Good point. ~ Cinderella Man, Neil 

10) Could you possibly try NOT to hit EVERY SINGLE ONE? ~ Galaxy Quest, Neil

11) You don't say much my friend, but when you do it's to the point, and I salute you for it.~ O Brother Where Art Thou, Neil

12) It's the American Dream in a goddamn gym bag!
You work for the American Dream. You don't steal it.
Then this is even better. ~ A Simple Plan, Sarah W

13) If it bleeds, we can kill it. ~ Predator, Trevor

14) A neck can only twist so far. Twist it just a hair more and the body says, "Hey, I'll take it from here because you obviously don't know what you're doing... Lie down now, rest, and we'll talk about this when you regain your senses."

15) Give us a drink. And give some to those Irish hoodlums down there.
There's only one Irishman in here.
On the house. Salut.
Top of the mornin'. ~ Goodfellas, Henry

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

--If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
--Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
--As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
--Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
--In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
--Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
--For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
--The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
--Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
--When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

Black tears.

Very Olympic.

We only gave her the shirt after all the events were over.

I found more:

--Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
--Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
--Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
--Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
--Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Jeep.
--Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
--Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the f*** Chuck Norris is.
--Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
--Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

3.7.09 - Pumpkin Pie Pudding

Ingredients:
2 1½ oz. packages of sugar-free vanilla pudding
1 cup of Vanilla Soy Milk (or Fat Free milk)
1 can pumpkin mix
Pumpkin Pie Spice

Directions:
In a large bowl, pour both packages of pudding, milk, and 2 cups of pumpkin mix.
Stir to consistency.
Add Pumpkin Pie spice to taste.
Optional: add fat-free Reddi whip cream.

Tomato Basil Soup

4 cans of stewed tomatoes, drained

1 can tomato sauce

Bring to a boil in a large sauce pan, then let simmer for roughly 30 minutes. Blend in a blender or food processor until smooth.

1/2 cup basil leaves, chopped

1 cup fat-free milk

4 oz fat-free cream cheese, softened

Add tomato mix and above ingredients back to large sauce pan, cook on medium heat until smooth. Add salt and pepper to taste (I added sort of a lot of pepper, nice and spicy).

Got about 18 calories/oz.

Lower Calorie Banana Bread

Note: Normally prepared banana bread is, apparently, roughly 90 calories/oz even without nuts.

Preheat oven to 350.

Mix:
4 bananas, mashed up
2/3 cup fat-free milk
2 teaspoons sugar-free vanilla syrup (note: 4 teaspoons of vanilla extract instead adds 1.3 calories/oz at the end)
2 tablespoons Smart Balance Buttery Spread, melted

Separately, mix:
2 2/3 cups wheat flour (white flour is same calories, just not as good for you, apparently)
1 cups Splenda
2 tsps baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt

Mix two sets of ingredients together
Spray non-stick cooking spray on two ~5" x 9" baking pans
Split mix evenly into each
Bake ~ 50 mins or until center is set

Overall, slightly less than 50 calories/oz.

2.17.09 - Fish and chips and vinegar, vinegar, vinegar!

Tonight I gave in and had a Filet O Fish sandwich. It was glorious, but didn't last nearly long enough. Now I'm trying a caramel fiber bar thingy Jill bought, and it is actually quite tasty. Jill is very helpful. I feel like I think about food a heck of a lot.

*drools*

I very much like my job. Granted my feet get a little tired after some of the longer shifts, but if that's the biggest complaint about a job, it must be a good job! I like my coworkers, I like (most of) the customers, I like the duties. And I think I appreciate this job slightly more than previous jobs because I got it right after a month or so of no job and no school, which was entirely too much time on my hands and got very depressing. It's just better to have something to work at, and somewhere to go on a regular basis to get out of the freakin' house. Oh, also they pay me. So that's nice.

2.10.09 - I'm in love with a girl who's in love with the world, but I can't help but follow.

Amos Lee soothes my soul.

It's raining again. It's chilly out. But I'm in my very clean room (as of today) with an orange glow from my stoplight lamp. And I've got my fuzzy, warm pj pants and my fuzzy, warm black slippers. I am content.

Today was a good day. I filed my FAFSA, and (almost) finished my taxes. Voldemort cuddled in bed with me for part of it, very adorable. I refined my Eggplant "Parmesan" recipe and I almost have it where I want it. I worked out. Hard. And I did my History homework (which is just assigned reading) while working out. Very efficient.

My utterly useless history lecture didn't bother me because I just worked on the homework for next week the entire time. As long as I'm getting something done the class doesn't make me want to hyperventilate. Also, I enjoy riding there and back with Neil, because we always have good conversation both ways.

And I stayed within my calorie goal for the day. Successful self-discipline pleases me.

And Julie is coming tomorrow. :)

2.7.09 - Ain't nobody ever said "Hell, no! I don't like no parfait!"

So instead of continually eating the (free) Starbucks parfaits I have access to, I made bulk of my own parfait. Use:

Non-fat plain yogurt.
No-sugar-added sliced peaches.
No-sugar-added fruit cocktail.
Splenda.
Mix.

I don't add granola, but you could, or any other variation of the fruit, etc. The one I made was tasty and came out to roughly 13 calories/oz, which is awesome.

2.5.09 - Drip drip drop, little April Showers!

My bed is in the corner of my room. There are two windows in the wall to the left of it, and one window right over the head of it. My bedroom is on the fourth floor of the building I live in. When I first wake up, all I can see outside is sky. This morning I woke up (after sleeping as long as I liked because I don't have to work today!) and it was warm and cozy in my bed, and there was a soft rain pattering against all three windows outside on a very gray San Francisco morning. For whatever reason, weather like that sometimes reminds me of autumn in Folsom, and getting truly excited about things like Halloween and pumpkins. Needless to say I woke up in a very good mood.

Now I shall send a letter and go do homework.

First kiss

Making people laugh.

8.27.08 - First Day At Berkeley

So I've had several people ask me about my day and I figured a note would just be easier.

My day has been AWESOME.

I got here very early since my first class is at 8. It was Bio lecture, and there are 600 people in that class. I've never seen a classroom so large; it was auditorium style. The professors have to wear microphones and there's a huge projection screen above the chalkboards so the people in the back can see. There were 8 full-sized chalkboards as well, and a big Periodic Table with a spotlight on it.

Anyway, the professors seemed pretty friendly. I don't know if I'll even bother trying to get to know them just because of the sheer number of students. Probably teach myself most of the stuff, maybe find a study partner. I'm not worried about it yet.

After Bio I wondered through campus to get my student ID (which gets me free transportation around the city of Berkeley! Woot!) and I got to go through one of the main open plazas where there are all these booths for college groups set up. Alas, I did not see a booth for the College Republicans but I already joined them online anyway. Haha! Maybe I'll make some friends through that--at least, that's my hope. There were some psychotic religious you-are-all-going-to-hell screamer guys at one end, but everyone was just ignoring them, which is nice. The whole place was bustling, it's pretty exciting.

Then I had a Nuclear Chemistry class and that was much smaller, maybe 20-25 people. I started chatting with the girl waiting to go in next to me, and she just transferred here from a community college too. We exchanged emails in case one of us misses a class, so that was cool. That professor was also very friendly, although slightly monotonous. We already have homework. Ah well.

After that I walked over by the giant clock/bell tower to have lunch. There's a pretty garden surrounding the base of it with more trees and stone benches, and I ate lunch there. At noon the bells chimed but it wasn't just random noise; they were actual melodies, it was very pretty. A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from City, although I didn't know her. It was still nice.

This is where I had lunch:

I went to my chem lab but they aren't having it yet because we haven't had a lecture in that class. As I was walking out I ran into Andrew. :) We started talking a lot about the whole day, and as we were doing that, we ran into Zach. Haha. So we chatted about our summers and what-not, it was good to see them. Zach left and Andrew and I kept talking, and then we ran into Josh! The point is I was very pleasantly surprised to see how many of my City friends I'm already seeing here. So that put me in a great mood.

Andrew had a class, I went to the bookstore to pick up the rest of my stuff, and by now it's getting pretty warm. They were giving away free popsicles, which was perfect. While I was waiting in line to buy my books (which, btw, went very quickly 'cause they have an incredibly efficient system), I ran into a buddy of mine that transferred here a year before me: Nic! Turns out he's majoring in Chemical Biology as well. So we'll probably hang out.

I'm just very pleased with how this is already shaping up socially. Bwahaha.

Now I'm sitting in a library that looks more like an art museum and using the free wireless on my beloved laptop to kill time while I wait for Andrew to finish class. Then we'll probably hang and get sushi (*drools*) before I go back to the city. I definitely have to find an apartment out here. The commute sucks and besides, I want to get more absorbed in the atmosphere.

Anyway, I'm sure my enthusiasm will be a little curbed once the homework starts rolling in, but for now I am psyched. So glad I got in here! :D

"Ode to a Grecian God" by David

His Ducati can outgun Apollo and Zeus

He can rope in an ox with a lasso and noose

He sings as he captures more slaves for his ranks

He's defeated the best of investment—type banks

No man, woman, child, and/or animal smiles

When they see all his treasure and currency piles

He's a murdering pirate and ninja combined

With a Viking's brute strength and a lightning—fast mind

Just to make sure his fear and respect builds a wall

He wipes out whole species, endangered and all

And even the eagles must carry him food

Or he'll eat them alive just to lighten his mood

He hammers in nails using just his bare hands

He eats broken glass and then spits out white sands

He hates Izzy's restaurant and shunned Melonhead

Now just let him build up his new deck or you're DEAD!

He's eaten whole countries, devoured the moon

His heart pumps out iron, his yell a monsoon

He can drink gasoline without stopping to think

And wash it all down with a whole—ocean drink

There is no one alive who can challenge his claim

And the last man who tried lost his legs (now he's lame)

He's a one—man machine gun, a weapon of war

And he's beat every video game's highest score

His liberal city was quite unprepared

His conservative manliness left them all scared

So he chopped off the heads of the Persian elites

"No Whining!" he said as he barbecued meats

He stands on a fighter jet made out of guns

Guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns

Guns are so awesome and he has fifty—two

One for each state plus one in each shoe

He stands on a pile of the skulls of his foes

In the light of the glory that, yes, always flows

From the radiant muscles and tenacious yell

As he cries, "Now in Sparta——Tomorrow in Hell!"

Trees growing.

11.1.03 - L'abri kitchen duty goofs

"I helped Sunny prepare for Sunday dinner with Newbs for this afternoon. We made a *ton* of cinnamon rolls, it was fun and smelled like Christmas. Caleb kept sneaking dough when the other two weren't looking. Finally I was like 'Caleb Slade, why do you have to be so difficult?!' And he gave an evil laugh 'Because I can!'

Then we had tea break and I was sitting in the lounge between Ben and Katie and Caleb walks in with the most malicious look on his face and takes a big bite of dough right in front of me. So of course I jumped up to "attack" him and spilled Ben's tea all over his already very muddy pants (from volleyball) nonetheless it was funny. Caleb: 'Did you guys see the violence in her eyes?!'

We finished cinnamon rolls early and I went back down to Farel to read a bit more. We had dinner with 34 people, I don't know why there were so many, and I volunteered for dishes with Caleb, Jordon, and Sarah K, which ended up being a towel-whipping war between us and also Ben, Michael, Katie, Melissa, oh it was crazy. And hilarious."

Super Mario Bros & Duck Hunt

An Explanation of
SUPER MARIO BROS.
And
DUCK HUNT
David

Copyright David 2001
All Rights Reserved

SUPER MARIO BROS.
-----------------

THERE IS A HIGHLY POPULAR VIDEO GAME OUT FOR THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM CALLED SUPER MARIO BROS. IT REVOLUTIONIZED THE VIDEO GAME WORLD BY BEING THE FIRST GAME TO STAR A PLUMBER.

IN SUPER MARIO, THROUGH THE MAGIC OF THE NINTENDO CONTROLLER, YOU TAKE ON THE ROLE OF MARIO.

THE GOAL OF SUPER MARIO BROS IS TO NOT DIE. THE LONGER YOU DON'T DIE, THE MORE POINTS YOU GET. PEOPLE HAVE MADE A GOOD LIVING FOR THEMSELVES BY NOT DYING FOR A LONG TIME. IF YOU DON'T DIE LONG ENOUGH, YOU MAY GET A "HIGH SCORE", WHICH IS ERASED WHEN YOU TURN OFF THE NINTENDO.

THEREFORE YOU MUST WRITE DOWN OR REMEMBER YOUR HIGH SCORES. THE HIGHEST SCORE YOU CAN MAKE UP AND PRETEND TO REMEMBER IS CALLED YOUR "PERSONAL RECORD" OR "PR". HERE IS A LIST OF OTHER THINGS PR MIGHT STAND FOR.

PRISON RECORD
PUERTO RICAN
PICKLE RIDER
PUBLIC RELATIONSHIPS
PANCAKE RACER
PARSON RAKE

SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SWAP THEIR HIGH SCORES WITH THEIR FRIENDS. THESE PEOPLE LIVE IN ASYLUMS.

THERE IS, HOWEVER, ANOTHER GOAL TO SUPER MARIO. THIS GOAL IS TO RESCUE THE PRINCESS. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. NO ONE HAS EVER RESCUED THE PRINCESS WITHOUT HELP OF WARP ZONES, REPROGRAMMING, AND STEROIDS.

OTHER THAN THAT, THERE IS NO POINT TO SUPER MARIO. THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN MAKE A NAME FOR YOURSELF IS TO LOCK YOURSELF IN A TINY ROOM WITH ONLY A LIGHT BULB, A TV, A NINTENDO, A CONTROLLER, AND A SIX-PACK OF PEPSI FOR EXACTLY ONE YEAR, AND THEN DIE. THAT WAY YOU WILL BE IN THE NEWS. PEOPLE WILL LAUGH AT YOUR MISFORTUNE, AND YOU WILL BECOME THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE TOWN, WHICH IS WHAT YOU WANTED, RIGHT?



GETTING STARTED
---------------

ONCE UPON A TIME, A LONG, LONG TIME AGO (1987) IN A DISTANT, FARAWAY LAND (JAPAN) A VIDEO GAME PROGRAMMER (LAID-OFF COMPUTER APPLICATION PROGRAMMER) DECIDED TO TAKE THE HERO OF THE FAMOUS ARCADE GAME DONKEY KONG (STUPID MONKEY) AND GIVE HIM A NAME (MARIO) AND HIS OWN VIDEO GAME (MARIO BROS). THIS GAME FAILED. ONE YEAR LATER (7 DOG YEARS) HE PUT MARIO AND HIS DIFFERENTLY-COLORED BROTHER LUIGI IN A GAME FOR THE NINTENDO HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM CALLED SUPER MARIO BROS. THE REASON HE DID THIS WAS BECAUSE NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD PAY A QUARTER FOR EVERY PLAY IN THE ARCADE. YES, IT WAS THAT DIFFICULT.

THIS GAME BECAME THE MOST POPULAR GAME EVER IN THE VIDEO GAMING WORLD BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST GAME TO BE GIVEN AWAY WITH EVERY NINTENDO SET. NOW MORE THAN 100 MILLION HOUSEHOLDS IN AMERICA HAS THIS GAME. ONLY 1 THOUSAND ACTUALLY PLAY IT.

TO PLAY SUPER MARIO BROS, YOU NEED A TV-TYPE THING THAT PLUGS INTO A STANDARD OUTLET THING. THIS TV NEEDS TO BE CONNECTED TO A NINTENDO THING BY MEANS OF TWO AUDIO/VIDEO CABLES, ONE R/F SWITCH CORD, OR DUCT TAPE AND A PIECE OF COAT HANGER. YOU ALSO NEED TO INSERT THE SUPER MARIO BROS GAME INTO THE NINTENDO THING, AND THEN YOU NEED TO PLUG THE CONTROLLER THING INTO THE NINTENDO. NOW YOU ARE READY TO PLAY.


TROUBLESHOOTING.

PROBLEM: MY NINTENDO DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO TURN ON.
SOLUTION: USE A METAL COAT HANGER RATHER THAN THE ECONOMICAL PLASTIC KIND.

P: MARIO DOESN'T SEEM TO OBEY MY CONTROLLER'S COMMANDS.
S: MARIO DOESN'T LIKE YOU.

P: MY VCR IS RUINED.
S: AS OPPOSED TO THE MESSAGE OF IDIOTIC STICKERS PUT ON THE GAME BY MORONIC VIDEO STORE CLERKS, DO NOT "BE KIND AND REWIND" YOUR GAME CARTRIDGE AFTER PLAYING.

P: MARIO IS WALKING OPPOSITE OF THE DIRECTIONAL ARROW I PUSH.
S: YOU ARE HOLDING THE CONTROLLER UPSIDE DOWN.

P: MARIO IS DOING THINGS I DID NOT COMMAND HIM TO.
S: TAKE THE CONTROLLER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

P: I CAN'T GET A HIGH SCORE. DOES THIS MEAN I AM A REJECT OF SOCIETY?
S: YES OR NO. IT DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPENT TRYING TO DO THIS.

P: ONE TIME, WHILE I WAS PLAYING, I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION AND I RAN INTO THE VERY FIRST GOOMBA ON THE VERY FIRST LEVEL.
S: GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

P: THE LIGHT GUN I RECEIVED WITH DUCK HUNT WILL NOT SHOOT ANY CHARACTER ON SUPER MARIO BROS.
S: I KNOW, I'M SORRY.




THE PLOT
--------

YES, THERE IS A PLOT IN THE GAME OF SUPER MARIO, AND, RATHER THAN EXPLAIN IT MYSELF, I WILL AVOID CRITICISM AND RATHER PRINT THE INSTRUCTION BOOKLET'S VERSION OF THE STORY.

"One day the kingdom of the peaceful mushroom people was invaded by the Koopa, a tribe of turtles famous for their black magic. The quiet, peace-loving Mushroom People were turned into mere stones, bricks, and even field horsehair plants, and the Mushroom Kingdom fell into ruin. The only one who can undo the magic spell on the Mushroom People and return them to their normal selves is the Princess Toadstool, the daughter of the Mushroom King. Unfortunately, she is presently in the hands of the great Koopa turtle king. Mario, the hero of the story (maybe) hears about the Mushroom People's plight and sets out on a quest to free the Mushroom Princess from the evil Koopa and restore the fallen kingdom of the Mushroom People. You are Mario! It's up to you to save the Mushroom People from the black magic of the Koopa!"

THIS PARAGRAPH UNDOUBTEDLY RAISES SOME ALARMING QUESTIONS.
1. IS THE WORD "PLIGHT" USED CORRECTLY?
2. IS A "MERE" STONE LOWER THAN A NORMAL STONE?
3. IS A BRICK BETTER OFF THAN AN UNCUT STONE?
4. WHY IS PRINCESS TOADSTOOL NOT TURNED INTO A HORSEHAIR PLANT?
5. WHAT IS A HORSEHAIR PLANT?
6. WHERE CAN I GET ONE?

AS YOU CAN SEE, THE SITUATION IS QUITE DIRE. FORTUNATELY YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE PRINCESS. YOU WILL NEVER REACH HER.

THE GAME TAKES PLACE ON A FIELD THAT STARTS ON SCREEN ONE AND EXTENDS TO THE RIGHT FOREVER. AT CERTAIN INTERVALS THERE IS A DIVERSION, SUCH AS A CASTLE, OR AN OCEAN, BUT MARIO IS ALWAYS GOING TO THE RIGHT. YOU CANNOT GO TO THE LEFT. IT IS MY BELIEF THAT NOT ONLY IS THE GAME BIASED TO FAVOR RIGHT-HANDED PEOPLE, IT IS ALMOST CERTAIN THAT THE PRINCESS IS ONE SCREEN TO THE LEFT OF THE VERY FIRST SCREEN OF THE GAME.

MARIO MUST ENDURE TRIAL AFTER TRIAL OF ENEMY AND OBSTACLE ALIKE ON HIS QUEST TO GET THE HIGH SCORE. 

THERE ARE SEVERAL TYPES OF ENEMIES:

1. THE LITTLE GOOMBA. THIS IS AN EVIL MUSHROOM THAT REFUSED TO TURN INTO A MERE STONE. YOU CAN TELL IT IS EVIL BECAUSE ITS EYEBROWS ARE ALWAYS LOWERED, EVEN WHEN IT IS SURPRISED BY ONE OF MARIO'S FIREBALLS. IF THIS ISN'T DEVOTION, WHAT IS?

2. THE KOOPA TROOPA. THIS NAME IS TOO CUTE FOR SUCH A DEADLY ENEMY. IT IS A SMALL GREEN TURTLE. WHEN STOMPED ON, IT HIDES IN ITS SHELL UNTIL IT DECIDES TO POP BACK OUT AND KILL YOU. THIS TURTLE IS SO DEVOTED IT WILL MARCH RIGHT OFF A CLIFF RATHER THAN TRY TO JUMP IT OR TURN AROUND.

3. THE RED KOOPA TROOPA. THIS IS ALMOST THE SAME AS THE GREEN ONE. THE INSTRUCTIONS SAY ABOUT THIS KOOPA: "This turtle is chicken! Very timid, he gets scared easily and runs back and forth a lot." THIS IS A LIE. HE IS JUST LIKE THE GREEN TURTLE, ONLY HE TURNS AROUND WHEN HE GETS TO A CLIFF. THIS TURTLE IS ACTUALLY SMARTER THAN THE GREEN ONE. IT'S JUST THAT THOSE JAPANESE INSTRUCTION BOOK WRITERS LIKE TO TRICK YOU FOOLISH AMERICAN TEENAGERS.

4. THE KOOPA PARATROOPA. THIS IS THE COOLEST IDEA EVER. IT IS A TURTLE WITH WINGS. IF WE COULD ENLIST THESE THINGS IN THE ARMY WE WOULD NEVER LOSE A BATTLE EVER AGAIN.

5. THE BUZZY BEETLE. THIS IS LIKE A TURTLE, ONLY BLACK, AND FIREBALLS DON'T AFFECT IT. ROY K. OF NEW HAMPSHIRE HAS BEEN PERSONALLY AFFECTED BY THIS BUG. HE IS A PEST CONTROL AGENT THAT HAS USED THE FIRE TECHNIQUE FOR OVER FIFTEEN YEARS. EVER SINCE HE PLAYED SUPER MARIO HE HAS CROUCHED IN A CORNER, MUMBLING THINGS TO HIMSELF ABOUT THE JAPANESE. THE KOOPA CLAN HAS STRUCK TERROR EVEN IN THE HEART OF NEW HAMPSHIRE.

6. THE HAMMER BROTHERS. THIS IS WHAT SUPER MARIO SHOULD HAVE BEEN. THESE TURTLES WHIP HAMMERS AT YOU AT THE RATE THAT A KID POPS BUBBLE WRAP. THEY ARE EASY TO KILL WITH FIREBALLS, BUT IF ONE HAS A BUZZY BEETLE FOR A PET IT WOULD BE ADVISABLE TO PRAY.

7. THE LAKITU. THIS THING RIDES A CLOUD. THE CLOUD HAS A SMILEY FACE ON IT. AT THE SIGHT OF THIS THE SERIOUS MARIO PLAYER BEGINS TO REALIZE THAT "IT MIGHT BE JUST A GAME".

8. THE SPINY. THIS IS LIKE A RED TURTLE WITH SPIKES GROWING OUT OF ITS BACK. YOU CAN'T JUMP ON IT UNLESS YOU LIKE THE "MARIO LOSES" MUSIC.

9. BULLET BILL. A BULLET WITH A SMILEY FACE ON IT. IF I WAS EVER SHOT AT WITH ONE OF THESE, I WOULD PROBABLY DIE COMFORTABLY KNOWING THAT THE BULLET THAT SHOT ME WAS HAPPY.

10. BOWSER, KING OF THE KOOPAS. HE WAS NAMED AFTER THE PROGRAMMER'S DOG, AND IS JUST AS MEAN. HE IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT WITHOUT FIREPOWER. IF YOU DO BEAT HIM YOU GET TO RESCUE A MUSHROOM THAT STATES "I'm sorry, but our Princess is in another castle." THIS MUSHROOM IS THE REAL VILLAIN AND MUST BE SHOT.

ANYONE WISHING TO DONATE TO THE "HELP ROY K. GET BACK ON HIS FEET" ORGANIZATION CAN MAIL MONEY TO ME.




ODDITIES
--------

MARIO IS A VERY UNIQUE CHARACTER. THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HE CAN DO THAT JUST CAN'T BE EXPLAINED IN NATURE.

FIRST, HE JUMPS THREE TIMES HIS HEIGHT. IF SOMEONE DID THIS IN REAL LIFE THEY WOULD WIN EVERY SINGLE SPORTING EVENT KNOWN TO MAN, EVEN POLO. SOME SAY THAT THE AIR PRESSURE OF THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM IS DIFFERENT THAN OUR OWN, AND CAUSES THIS TO HAPPEN. THESE PEOPLE ARE CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED.

THE SECOND THING MARIO CAN DO IS DROP DOWN GIGANTIC PIPES HUNDREDS OF FEET DEEP AND NOT DIE. THIS COULD BE EXPLAINED BY THE AIR PRESSURE THEORY, BUT IN FACT IT IS BECAUSE THE WHOLE WORLD OF MARIO IS UPSIDE-DOWN AND HE IS ACTUALLY FALLING UP.

THE THIRD THING IS HOW HE FITS ALL THOSE COINS AS BIG AS HIMSELF IN HIS POCKETS.

THE FOURTH IS HOW HE CREATES FIREBALLS FROM NOTHING AFTER CONSUMING A FLOWER. THIS IS BECAUSE THE FLOWER IS SPICY, AND BECAUSE WHEN ANYTHING EXPLODES INSIDE SOMETHING ELSE, THE FIRE WILL ESCAPE OUT OF THE WEAKEST PART OF THE THING. THE NEXT QUESTION PEOPLE HAVE IS WHY DOES THE FIRE COME OUT OF MARIO'S PALMS AND NOT HIS BRAIN.

NEXT, HOW COME SOME PIPES HAVE PIRANHA PLANTS IN THEM, BUT WHEN THEY ARE ELIMINATED IT IS POSSIBLE TO SLIDE DOWN THE PIPE FOR ABOUT A HUNDRED FEET? WHERE DOES ALL THE SOIL HOLDING THE PLANT GO? SOME PEOPLE HAVE REASONED THAT THE PLANT HEAD SIMPLY FLOATS IN THE PIPE. IF THIS WERE TRUE, THE PLANT WOULD NOT STAY IN THE PIPE. IT WOULD BE OUT FLYING AROUND AND EATING GOOMBAS.

ANOTHER QUESTION IS HOW MARIO KNOWS WHAT SIGNALS ARE COMING TO HIM FROM THE CONTROLLER. THIS IS SIMPLE. THE CONTROLLER ACTUALLY SENDS DIRECT MICROWAVE BEAMS TO A SATELLITE POSITIONED AT THE EXACT VERTEX OF THE PARABOLA BETWEEN MARIO AND THE PLAYER. THIS BEAM, DEPENDING ON THE FREQUENCY AND PITCH, WILL TELL HIM WHETHER TO MOVE RIGHT, CROUCH, OR SHOOT A FIREBALL. THIS ACTION IS RECORDED BY A CAMERA HIDDEN BY A BUZZY BEETLE SOMEWHERE IN THE VICINITY. THIS FOOTAGE IS SENT VIA AN OPPOSITE PARABOLA TO A DIFFERENT SATELLITE TO BE TRANSPORTED TO YOUR TV. OF COURSE, ALL THIS TAKES TIME, SO THE CONTROLLER MICROWAVE IS SENT THREE MINUTES INTO THE FUTURE BY MEANS OF THE QUANTUM MECHANICS RUNNING THE SATELLITE. THIS BEAM REACHES MARIO IN ONE AND A HALF MINUTES, AND THE RECORDING IS SENT BACK ONE AND A HALF MINUTES LATER. THIS MAKES IT SEEM LIKE THE CONTROLS ARE INSTANT. HOWEVER, THIS ALSO MEANS THAT IF MARIO DIES HE ACTUALLY DIES THREE MINUTES BEFORE YOU SEE HIM DIE. THIS, MANY SCHOLARS CLAIM, MAY PROVE THE THEORY OF ELEC TRONIC PREDETERMINATION. OTHERS CLAIM THAT IF SOMETHING IS GOING THE SPEED OF LIGHT, THEN IT WOULD GAIN MASS SO FAST THAT IT WOULD NO LONGER BE GOING THE SPEED OF LIGHT. THIS ENTIRE PROCESS HAS BEEN COMPACTED INTO THE SMALL, SIMPLE CONTROLLER. THE NEXT QUESTION PEOPLE ASK IS WHY THIS TECHNOLOGY IS USED FOR VIDEO GAMES RATHER THAN REAL LIFE. LET ME ASK YOU THIS: HAS THE DEVIL GOT ONE OF THESE CONTROLLERS?




QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
---------------------

Q. IS USING A WARP ZONE CONSIDERED CHEATING?
A. YES.

Q. I LOVE THE MARIO THEME SONG. WHERE CAN I BUY IT ON TAPE?
A. YOU CAN'T.

Q. I JUST DOWNLOADED THE SONG OFF THE INTERNET. IS THIS LEGAL?
A. NO. DESTROY YOUR COMPUTER.

Q. I HEARD THAT THERE IS A SECRET "MINUS WORLD" IN SUPER MARIO. IS THIS TRUE?
A. YES. IT IS IN THE SECOND LEVEL OF THE GAME. RIGHT BEFORE YOU GET TO THE END OF THE LEVEL, THERE IS A PIPE THAT TAKES YOU BACK ABOVE GROUND. IF YOU TIME A JUMP CORRECTLY, YOU CAN JUMP THROUGH THE WALL ABOVE THE PIPE AND END UP IN THE WARP ZONE ROOM. IF YOU GO DOWN ONE OF THE PIPES BEFORE THE NUMBERS APPEAR, YOU WILL BE SENT TO A STRANGE UNDERWATER LEVEL LABELED "-1" WHICH NEVER ENDS UNTIL YOU GO MAD AND KILL MARIO YOURSELF.

Q. HOW IS THE MINUS WORLD POSSIBLE? WOULDN'T IT BE UNSTABLE?
A. THE MINUS WORLD CAME ABOUT WHEN SOMEONE DISCOVERED AN ERROR IN THE GAME'S CODING. THE PROGRAMMER DENIES THAT IT IS THERE.

Q. WHAT WAS THE ERROR?
A. THE PROGRAMMER DIVIDED BY ZERO.

Q. SO WHAT?
A. ONE TIME GOD DIVIDED BY ZERO. AT THAT POINT IN SPACE A BLACK HOLE APPEARED AND ABSORBED HALF THE GALAXY OF ANDROMEDA.

Q. EXPLAIN THIS.
A. WHEN YOU DIVIDE BY ANYTHING, YOU ARE REALLY MULTIPLYING BY THE INVERSE OFTHAT NUMBER. ZERO'S INVERSE IS EVERY NUMBER POSSIBLE, DIVIDED BY ZERO AGAIN. AND, BECAUSE OF THIS, ALL THOSE NUMBERS ARE MULTIPLIED BY THAT ZERO, MEANINGTHEY BRANCH OUT INTO EVERY NUMBER AGAIN. WHEN ISAAC NEWTON DIVIDED BY ZERO, THE APPLE HE HELD EXPLODED. WHEN ABRAHAM LINCOLN DIVIDED BY ZERO THE CIVIL WAR BEGAN. WHEN MOSES DIVIDED BY ZERO GOD NOTICED AND QUICKLY SPLIT THE RED SEA IN ORDER TO AVOID THE CONSEQUENCES. WHEN I DIVIDED BY ZERO I GOT KICKED OUT OF ALGEBRA. SO DON'T DO IT.

Q. I HEARD THAT THE SEQUEL TO SUPER MARIO WAS NEVER RELEASED IN AMERICA. INSTEAD, THE GAME "DOKI DOKI PANIC" WAS CHANGED TO INCORPORATE MARIO CHARACTERS AND WAS RELEASED IN AMERICA AS SUPER MARIO BROS 2. WHY IS THIS?
A. BECAUSE THERE ARE FLYING OCTOPI IN THE ORIGINAL MARIO 2 AND THE PROGRAMMERS THOUGHT IT WAS BEST TO KEEP THEIR JAPANESE HUMOR OUT OF THE STATES.

Q. IF THE ROCKS ARE MUSHROOM PEOPLE, HOW COME MARIO STEPS ON THEM CONSTANTLY?
A. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT AS FRAGILE AS HORSEHAIR PLANTS.




DUCK HUNT
---------

DUCK HUNT, A GAME INCLUDED IN THE MARIO BROS. CARTRIDGE, IS A FUN GAME IN WHICH YOU SHOOT DUCKS AND DOGS. ONLY THE DUCKS CAN BE SHOT SUCCESSFULLY.

THE WAY YOU DO THIS IS WITH THE LIGHT GUN, A PLASTIC TOY THAT COMES WITH THE GAME. WHENEVER THE TRIGGER IS PULLED, A PICTURE IS TAKEN OF THE SCREEN. IF THIS PICTURE MATCHES THE PICTURE OF A DUCK THAT THE NINTENDO HAS STORED IN ITSELF, IT IS REGISTERED AS A HIT AND YOU GET THE CORRECT NUMBER OF POINTS.

THE GOAL OF DUCK HUNT IS THE SAME AS MARIO: TO GET THE HIGH SCORE. HOWEVER, DUCK HUNT IS MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN SUPER MARIO IN THAT THEY ELIMINATED THE UNATTAINABLE GOAL OF RESCUING THE PRINCESS.

THE ORIGINAL LIGHT GUN, BEING COLORED GRAY, IS A VERY VERSATILE WEAPON. IT CAN BE USED TO SCARE NEIGHBORS.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE GOVERNMENT PUT AN END TO THAT, AND FORCED NINTENDO TO START MAKING A NEW LIGHT GUN, THIS ONE BRIGHT ORANGE. IT LOOKS LIKE A TOY AND WILL NOT SCARE A FIVE YEAR OLD.

I MYSELF WAS SCARED WITLESS BY THE GRAY GUN, BUT I FELT NO HARM IN AIMING THE ORANGE GUN IN MY LEFT EYE AND PULLING THE TRIGGER SEVERAL TIMES. THESE SHOTS DID NOT REGISTER AS HITS ON THE GAME. I AM NOW PARTIALLY COLOR BLIND IN THAT EYE AND NO LONGER EXPERIENCE JOY WHEN WATCHING RAINBOWS.

THERE ARE THREE MAIN COMPLAINTS ABOUT DUCK HUNT.
1. YOU CANNOT SHOOT THE DOG. THIS HAS DISAPPOINTED EVEN THE MOST HUMBLE AND LEAST MORBID OF US.
2. THE DUCKS AREN'T REALISTIC. THIS IS TRUE. NO DUCK I EVER SAW CHANGED DIRECTIONS ONCE A SECOND.
3. THE GAME IS TOO EASY. THIS CAN BE REMEDIED BY BACKING UP AND USING THE GUN MORE THAN TWO INCHES AWAY FROM THE SCREEN.

OTHER THAN THAT, DUCK HUNT IS A VERY ENJOYABLE GAME. THE PROGRAMMERS EVEN PUT IN A FUN DIVERSION SKEET SHOOT GAME IN WHICH THE "SKEETS" (DINNER PLATES) GRADUALLY GROW SMALLER AND IMPOSSIBLE TO SHOOT. THIS IS TO IMITATE REAL LIFE, IN WHICH SKEETS ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO SHOOT AT ANY RANGE. YOU COULD PUT ONE RIGHT UNDER YOUR GUN AND STILL MISS THE SKEET AND SHOOT YOUR HAND.

NINTENDO DENIES THE RESPONSIBILITY IF YOU SHOOT YOUR HAND AND WILL NOT PAY YOU MONEY. I ON THE OTHER HAND AM DIFFERENT. I WILL LAUGH AT YOU FOR FREE.

IN THE NORMAL DUCK HUNT GAME, A DOG JUMPS INTO A FIELD WITH A FRIENDLY LAUGH AND SCARES UP ONE DUCK AT A TIME. THIS DUCK QUACKS WITH EVERY TWO BEATS OF ITS WINGS AND EVENTUALLY FLIES AWAY BEFORE YOU CAN SHOOT IT. THEN THE DOG LAUGHS AT YOU FOR MISSING IT. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE COMPLAIN THAT YOU CANNOT SHOOT THE DOG.

THE DOG IS ALSO SO FAT THAT IT CANNOT CATCH DUCKS ON ITS OWN. THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE THE GUN TO BEGIN WITH.



CREDITS
-------


THE AUTHOR OF THIS HUMOR BOOKLET, WHO LIKES TO REFER TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, WOULD LIKE TO THANK NINTENDO FOR MAKING THIS POSSIBLE. HE WOULD ALSO LIKE TO THANK HIS FRIEND SHELDON FOR BUYING THE BOOK THAT INSPIRED THE AUTHOR TO WRITE THIS. SHELDON IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE FOR AUTOGRAPHS.




A NOTE ON WARP ZONES
--------------------

WARP ZONES ARE EVIL. THE MAN WHO INVENTED THEM ONLY WANTED TO SAVE THE PRINCESS. THANKFULLY, THOUGH, HE REALIZED HE COULD NEVER SAVE THE PRINCESS. SHE ALWAYS SENT HIM ON ANOTHER QUEST WHILE SHE ALLOWED HERSELF TO BE KIDNAPPED AGAIN. AND SO THE CIRCLE OF LIFE IS COMPLETED.